Sunday Best & Broken Glass

2010-08-24T18:21:00.000-07:00

So, I had this emotional break down all by myself on some twenty-three year old's front porch in the middle of the night.
The result is that I'm completely done with drugs. Seriously. It doesn't mean I won't still want them sometimes, but I refuse to do them. I won't drink or smoke, either. Ever. At all. Period.

2010-08-13T18:48:00.000-07:00

So much...
I am desperately groping for someone who sees things like I do. And the one person I've grabbed on to... I don't think they're it. I saw what I wanted to see. Again. I hate feeling this ravenous hope, and then being crushed. No one seems to get it. I mean, I know there's no one exactly like me out there. If there is, it would probably be disastrous if we met. But.. I mean, mom my gets it. But there's no way I can tell my mom everything. And it's different. My mom gets it, and I have friends who kinda get it. It's just... I want a lover who gets it. Completely. I want someone who can hold me and tell me everything will be okay, and I can believe them. Because Dakota... I've tried to make him get it. He just doesn't. At all. And I can't explain it to him. It's so frustrating.
And, I feel like a fucking addict. I want pills. Constantly. I get my phone out to text my dealer ten times a day.. but I don't. I did last week when I found out about my mom. I couldn't help it. I was freaking out and no one was helping me at all. All they did was repeat, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." And I know that they probably didn't know how to react, but still. I needed something... It was stupid but I needed it. Or wanted it. Both. I don't fucking know. And then I told Dakota for some idiotic reason. I don't know why. Maybe it was just to see how he'd react. He cried, and I want to say that I felt horrible, but I didn't. I'm really ashamed of that. I apologized over and over again, but all he said was that it was his fault because he wasn't there for me. Which isn't true at all. So I promised him I wouldn't do it again, but I knew as the words came out of my mouth that I didn't mean it. I never mean it. The promises, somehow, mean nothing to me. I know it's horrible but there it is. It's the truth.
So what the hell is holding me back? I don't feel guilt before, during, or after I take pills. I don't feel guilt when I lie. I don't feel guilt when people find out and cry and yell and beg me to stop. I hide it, but I don't know why. Just to avoid the trouble, I guess. To avoid interference. I don't want to end up like my mom. But it doesn't stop me. And I hate admitting this, but every time I see someone doing drugs, or drinking, or cutting... like when I watched The Runaways, or when I read Tweak... I want to do it too. So badly. They can describe how badly it messed them up, and they can condemn it, but it just makes me want to do it more.
I want to fucking slice myself open and take pills until I pass out! And there is no fucking reason for it! I don't get it. I just want to. I don't get why I feel depressed and then happy and depressed like a god damn roller coaster, it's just how I am. And I don't get why I can be perfectly content and yet dying to get high at the same time. I don't get any of it. And he doesn't get that I can be depressed without any "good" reason. I just am, okay? God fucking damn it. I hate this.
And, random, but I don't even know who the hell I am anymore. I never did. I used to think I did, but now... I don't know. I have my principles and other people don't effect them too much. But I've started looking at myself, and I used to think I was a good person. Now I don't know. Would I good person take pills and hurt their family and feel nothing? Would a good person feel so much anger towards a puppy just for being a puppy and biting and not listening? Would a good person act like I do? No....
I'm not making sense. Again.
I hate this.

2010-08-11T19:13:00.000-07:00

I miss him. That's the sad pathetic truth. I miss all of them. It was fine when Dakota was around, but I never see him anymore. And I feel like I need to cut and run before he can hurt me any further. I think. I don't know... There's so much going on, I can't even tell what's wrong. I want to hide. I want to hide in books and music and drugs. God I want drugs, so badly. I hate being sober. I think too much. I want to just ignore the world, break away for a while... But I can't. I have to take care of my mom and my sister. And... I want to be with my friends. I do. I just don't want to think about anything. Fuck it, I'm not making any sense.

2010-07-27T23:45:00.001-07:00

So today..
I woke up in a fairly good mood. I was in a good mood until about twelve. Then the shit hit the fan and I wanted to curl up and die.
Way back story: One day in early April this year, I was walking at Perry Farm and I was extremely upset. Zack found me and basically, he talked me in to doing things there... Someone called the cops and we were arrested for public indecency. It was horrible and I'm extremely ashamed. I hate talking about it. I never wanted anyone to know. I made Zack swear he wouldn't tell anyone, and he actually seemed genuine when he said he wouldn't. Fucking liar..
More recent back story: Zack he been dating Dakota's ex-girlfriend. They're really close though... They're best friends. He's very protective of her. Apparently, Zack cheated on her.
What Dakota knew: He knew that I'm not a virgin and the number of guys. He didn't know Zack was one of them, or that we got arrested. Also, Dakota hates Zack.
Today: Zack and Dakota were fighting about Dakota's ex, so Zack decided to say, "Yeah, well guess what. I fucked your girlfriend." Then he proceded to tell about how we got arrested and some other nasty details...

Here's what happened when I confronted him:

Me
I don't want to bitch at you, but I would really love to know why you decided it would be alright to do what you did.

Zack
i didnt do anything its nothing but rumors!!

Me
I'm talking about you telling Dakota about what happened between us. That was a horrible experience for me. I was really trusting you not to tell anyone. Why did you?

Zack
he is trying to talk shit saying he fucked my girlfriend before anyone no thats not going to happen so he had to feel the same pain

Me
Yeah, but I didn't. I wasn't involved in the situation at all. You hurt me more than anyone, not that I think you would care.

Zack
yeah im just the worst fucking guy in the world everyone fucking hate me woot woot

Me
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I don't want to upset you. I just.. I don't know. It hurt, you know? I wanted to know why you did it.You don't have to tell me, but I am curious, and I won't tell anyone. Did you cheat on her, honestly?

Zack
no i honestly didnt.

Me
Alright. But please, in the future, can you just keep your mouth shut about me? I've never done anything to you. I would really appreciate it if you'd leave me out of things.

Zack
well ive never done anything to your so called boyfriend so tell him to leave me outta things as well

Me
He thinks you hurt his best friend. Just saying. But okay.

Zack
if i hurt her she wouldnt have been with me the reason me and her are pretty much over is cuz she got arrested when i told her i didnt want her hanging with guys that night and she went ahead went wiith the guys then got arrested

Me
Alright.

I need to get a backbone...
Anyway, Dakota and I talked it over and we actaully ended up having an emotional yet good day together. He wants to beat the shit out of Zack, but he doesn't think any less of me, which is what I was afraid of. The situation still sucks but it's better.. And Dakota and I are much closer now. So, it wasn't all bad.

2010-07-16T22:40:00.000-07:00

Last night, Dakota and I slept together for the first time. Neither of us were expecting it to happen. We went camping with Gabby and Dan. It was a lot of fun. We set the two tents up kind of far apart. When we got tired enough, Gabby and Dan took one tent and Dakota and I took the other. We made out and did other things.. then afterwards we just laid there together. For some reason I started crying. I told him a lot of stuff and he was great about it. He loves when I tell him things, apparently. He comforted me and I felt a lot better. We were just laying there, then, and he was rubbing my stomach, half awake. There was something very sweet and romantic about it. Suddenly, I was just overwhelmed with desire. I needed to be with him, to be a part of him. I knew I was ready. So I turned to him and told him that I wanted him, all of him, and I asked him if he wanted to. He said yes and asked me if I was sure. I told him I was and then... It was amazing. It was so different from how sex usually is for me. I felt safe and comfortable and in control. And the whole time, I felt loved. Not used. Loved. It was so great. He just held me after and told me he loved me. Once we recovered we were fully awake so we went outside and walked around and looked at the stars. It was sweet and not awkward at all. We acted just like we normally act. It was an amazing night.
I must admit, I am a little anxious about two things:
1) We didn't use a condom. I'm on birth control and we know, for a fact, that we're both clean. I don't think I'll get pregnant, but... it's just still a little scary.
2) I was planning on waiting longer than I did. It hasn't even been two months. I'm a little mad at myself for not waiting, but I'm happy with my decision. I'm glad I did it.
I feel a lot closer to him. I'm really content. There's no underlying anxiety about this. I'm just happy.
I love him.

2010-06-28T09:49:00.000-07:00

I took a personality test. This was the result.

INFP
creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, prone to quitting, prone to feelings of loneliness, ambivalent of the rules, solitary, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, focus on fantasies, acts without planning, low self confidence, emotionally moody, can feel defective, prone to lateness, likes esoteric things, wounded at the core, feels shame, frequently losing things, prone to sadness, prone to dreaming about a rescuer, disorderly, observer, easily distracted, does not like crowds, can act without thinking, private, can feel uncomfortable around others, familiar with the darkside, hermit, more likely to support marijuana legalization, can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can't control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic

Hmmm.
Interesting.

(I'm feeling better today, by the way.)

2010-06-27T20:35:00.000-07:00

Oh god, what's wrong with me??

2010-06-27T20:17:00.000-07:00

I guess this all started because of Jasper, my bunny baby. I'm convinced I'll never be a good mother. I'll fuck it up. I want to have kids. I think about it sometimes. But then I make myself stop because I know I can't do it. I wouldn't be good enough. I'd fuck them up. I don't want to fuck them up. I don't want to hurt anyone..

And. _________. _______. ______. And I feel old and worthless, like my body is being used up and I'll never be wanted again. Which totally freaks me out. And I'm shocked and sickened by myself for putting my worth on my body.

I don't know.

2010-06-27T20:07:00.000-07:00

I'm fucking crazy I'm fucking crazy I'm fucking crazy.
I hate it when this happens! I fucking hate it! I'm attacking myself inside my head and it won't stop and I have all these urges to do horrible things to myself.
Dakota wants me to tell him what's wrong but how am I supposed to? Should I tell him I have voices screaming at me telling me I'm a horrible person, that I'm a fuck up, that I'm worthless and talentless and purposeless and hopeless? He wouldn't get it. He would just tell me I mean the world to him and expect me to feel better. I don't know how to feel better.
As soon as I'm alone at night, it attacks me. It rips my insides out and screeches profanity and unimaginable cruelty. No matter how much I cry or scream or write or whatever... it won't go away. I know how to make it go away. But I'm not supposed to do those things anymore.
I'm always writing about the same thing. I've been dealing with it forever.
It never goes away.
It never gets better.
How do I get better?

2010-06-26T07:58:00.000-07:00

I have such strange dreams.
The internet won't let me get on facebook.
Gabby hit me in the face with a funnel cake last night. It was great.
Going to Erik Drazinski's grad party tonight with Dakota, Gabby, and Tyler.
I'm wearing makeup for the first time in forever. Just mascara though.
It's really hot in my room.
I found a new band: First Aid Kit. Two sisters from Sweden. Very folky and calm. I love it.
Ummm.
I really, really need to finish my book report. But I hate it so much.
I don't want to take AP.
But I need to for stupid stinking college.
Grr.
I'm not hungry.
I'm scared.
That's all.

2010-06-19T05:56:00.000-07:00

Just woke up from a really vivid dream where I was eating rotten food with bugs in it and everything around me was filthy. Then I went to find Dakota, and he was kissing his ex-girlfriend. I pretended not to see. That was all that happened, but for some reason I woke up feeling very anxious. So, I looked up the symbolism of the dream.

Dirty: To dream that you or something is dirty, represents your anxieties and feelings toward sex. The dream stems from low self-esteem and feelings of being unworthy. You need to purify your mind, heart and body.

Bugs: To see a bug in your dream, suggests that you are worried about something. It is symbolic of your anxieties and/or fears. What is literally bugging you? Consider also the popular phrase "bitten by the bug" to imply your strong emotional ties or involvement to some activity/interest/hobby. Alternatively, the bug may be representative of your sexual thoughts.

Food: To see or eat stale food in your dream, suggests that you are feeling sluggish and emotionally drained. You need to be invigorated and revitalized.

Cheating: To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you, indicates your fears of being abandoned. You may feel a lack of attention in the relationship. Alternatively, you may feel that you are not measuring up to the expectations of others. This notion may stem from issues of trust or self-esteem. The dream could also indicate that you are unconsciously picking up hints and cues that your significant other is not being completely truthful or is not fully committed in the relationship.

Weird..

2010-06-14T09:34:00.000-07:00

I know I've been gone for a while, but I've just been so busy.

Here's how my average day goes this summer: Wake up, shower, eat, leave, do a bunch of random weird sometimes boring sometimes fun stuff, then either stay at someone's house or come home at 11 and crash. I'm exhausted every single night. I barely have time to eat, let alone blog. But, I have time at the moment.

So things between Dakota and I are going really well. He's so good to me. I'm not all paranoid and worried about sex because he's made it clear to me that he's in no hurry and that I control that aspect of our relationship. It's really different, but I like it. I feel connected to him. I miss him so much when he's not around. Being around him just makes me happy, no matter what. That's a little scary, having him have that control, but I'm okay with it. I guess that's how relationships go, right?

My To-Do List For The Summer:

Volunteer at animal shelter
Get tan
Take yoga classes
Float down the river in inner tubes with people
Drive, drive, drive
Write the best AP book report in the history of AP book reports (on time!)
Spend time with all the people who matter to me
Get better at hooping
Go to Warped
Finish all my AP summer homework
Relax and enjoy.

Yup. That's about all that I can think of right now. Oh, Savannah's a bitch. Period. Ever since she started dating Kevin. I hate it.

And I'm in love with Skins.

And I'm craving a popsicle.

Yup.

Anyways, I took a yoga class today. Which means I'm sore and exhausted because this is the first one I've taken in forever. So yeah. Goodnight blog. Sorry for the neglect. I'll try to make an improvement.

2010-06-01T03:55:00.000-07:00

So Kyrstin got me thinking.
About drugs and fears and loneliness.

I wanted them to shut up. Even after they're gone, their voices linger in my head. For days. Weeks. Hell, some have been up there for years.
So after a particularly long day of insults and unintentionally hurtful comments, I was happy when S. texted me. Asked me if I wanted doses. I almost said yes.
But then I started to think. About how last time I tripped, all this shit came up that I really did not want to think about. About how scared I got.
I was terrified. I was convinced that I was alone. I stopped in the middle of a sidewalk in Kankakee and sobbed for a very long time. I can't remember how long. Tim was there and he tried to comfort me. But the drugs, for once, had put me alone with my thoughts. All I could hear were the voices in my head. I can't explain how overwhelming it was. I remember thinking that I had no idea what I was doing and if this mental chaos was all there was, I wanted to be dead. I don't know what would have happened if Tim hadn't been there..
After a while, it passed. I saw crazy things and actually had a lot of fun. But every once in a while the anxiety would creep back. I would stop and start to whimper. Tim was there, though, and he kept me distracted.

So basically, I thought about all the craziness that went on in my head last time I tripped and about what Kyrstin said about being worried about me and about how nothing is probably ever going to make this chaos go away. How the drugs seem to keep getting weaker and lead to more anxiety after they're gone.

How if I keep doing drugs, my fears of loneliness may very well become reality.
I don't want that to happen.

So I ignored S.'s text.

It's a step.

2010-05-30T20:24:00.000-07:00

I've never felt this way about a guy before.
I can only admit it here.
I'm so scared.. yet so happy.
I feel high around him. He's intoxicating. I love the way he smells, the way he looks, the way he acts, the way he speaks.. I can't believe I didn't notice it before.
Honestly.. I can't believe I'm saying this. It sounds so stupid, naive, and immature. But I think I love him. I really do. It's been two fucking days and I think I'm in love him! What the hell has taken over my heart?? This is insanity. But it feels so right.
And I am so scared. I feel like I'm flying with him, but any second he's going to shoot holes in my paper wings and I'll come crashing down. Everyone who knows us keeps telling me things like: "You finally found a keeper, Alex," and, "He's such a great guy," and, "You two are perfect for each other." I'm crazy about him, and apparently he's crazy about me too. But I'm still wary. I can feel his power to hurt me building, and I hate it. But I refuse to let that stop us from getting close. I think I have a really good thing going here. I won't let go of it.

...
I am so happy. (:

2010-05-21T16:11:00.000-07:00

"13 0r 14, maybe a whole box. Last time I took 23."
Last time you almost died.

I don't want to care about him. I want to tell him to go to hell, get out of my life. But I keep letting him back in. Hell, maybe I'm even inviting him in. I don't know. I don't want him to get hurt. I don't want any of us to get hurt.
What made us this way?
How'd we get so fucked up?
What happened? I wish I knew. Not that it would change anything.
I hope he doesn't get hurt. I hope he doesn't get addicted and depressed again. I'd tell him to stop, but..
I don't know what's stopping me.
I don't want him to know that I need him. I don't want him to know that I care.
And I realize that's selfish and horrible.
I guess I'll get over it..
Because I'd much rather him be alive than me be weak.

2010-05-20T17:28:00.000-07:00

I am so confused. My thoughts are completely chaotic. My emotions go all over the place. There's no controlling it. I don't know what's wrong with me, exactly. It's hard to pin down, because it feels like everything is wrong. At least right now it does. In a half hour I might be giggling hysterically and feeling like all is right with the world. I just know I hate the uncertainty. I don't know when I'm going to go up or down. There's no pattern to it and I feel so out of control.. I hate not having control. And it's causing problems. I have a couple ways to get control. To make my mind shut up. But they're not very.. appropriate. Or safe. Or legal.
I keep hearing stories and I'm wondering how this all happened. Sometimes things feel hopeless. But sometimes they feel amazing. I don't know..

Anyway, here are some things I can smile about:

Kyrstin and I are having a picnic Saturday.
I have new books.
School is almost out. (Only six more actual days!)
My hair is getting longer.
I love my mother.
Gabby is happy.
Timmy likes me.. hehe.
We're getting a puppy soon.

So, yeah. Yay. (:

2010-05-17T18:54:00.000-07:00

I need a job.
Desperately.
If I'm going to keep this up..

2010-05-16T15:53:00.000-07:00

Rainbow fish.
There was a little lump of flesh holding a stolen pin wheel, a watermelon lollipop, and an unknown but beautiful and fragrant pink flower. It was wearing mirrored sunglasses and and it smelled of smoke and sweat. It was laughing and playing with the gorgeous, swirling, twirling, cycling lights on the ground. There was mexican chicken music in the background. It was standing on the dark side of a blue-green planet.
It said things to the other things and then there were rainbow fish.
So, so many rainbow fish.

2010-05-13T04:50:00.000-07:00

So about Gaston.
He texts me when I wake up and doesn't stop texting me until I go to bed. The conversations are repetative and often uncomfortable for me. He calls me babe and cutie and hun. He'll ask me what I'm up to, how my day was, stuff like that. Then he'll tell me he misses me, say he wants to see me, and ask me what I'm doing that weekend. He asks me if I think he's cute, if I miss him, if I want to hang out. No, no, no. I really don't want to talk to him at all. He's a man whore and I'm weak to him. Even though he has a girlfriend, every time we hang out he tries to make out with me. I rarely say no, which I know is horrible, but.. And then he wants to talk. He calls me at night and talks about his problems and gives me a chance to talk about mine. He thinks we know each other so well. I don't know if that's true or not, but I don't want to tell him things. I want him to leave me alone. It's hard to talk to him and I always feel like I'm being used when I'm around him. Also, he asks me if I want to smoke with him and if I can get him weed all the time. He hints at the fact that he wants to have sex again. He used to just flat out talk dirty to me until I confronted him about it (which was extremely difficult). It's hard to type out.. I don't fully understand it. I just wish he would back off.

2010-05-12T19:36:00.000-07:00

Today:
I went back to civilization. It was wonderful.
I talked to Dylan D. and Dylan A. for the first time in a while.
Trevor refused to look at me.
David (my friend David) was surprisingly sweet.
Drew gave me a huge surprise.
I finally saw Gabby!
I'm back in with the science group.. two days before they leave.
Mary Kate was hilarious.
I didn't feel sick.
I got my bio project done on time.
I found out Gabby broke up with Joe.
I played 21 for the first time with Joanna and lost 19 out of 21 times.
Bill and I became closer and I found out he's actually a junior. So yay, he's not leaving me! :D
Gabby introduced me to her new love interest. He has a bad vibe. I don't like him.
I texted Brooke first.
Gaston, as usual, will not leave me alone.
Tim was not there.
Neither was Deanna.
Chris got a second tea gallon thing and named it something with an R.
I colored a pretty picture.
My mom and I got pedicures together as her mother's day present. It was amazing.
I got a moose tracks ice cream cone... So yummy!
I went for a bike ride with my sister and mom.
Tyler invited me to get pie with him.
Savannah and Kevin were bitches. How surprising.
I learned that angler fish spit out their brains when they die.
I loved Aubrey's dress.
I saw a hippie skirt that I absolutely want at Carsons.
I got homework that I didn't do.
Shea texted me.. (: But I didn't get to see him.
I didn't see Daysie.
I didn't get to swim.
I talked to my mom about how jealous I am of Olivia because she got the good genes.
I spent $55. 47.

Over all, it was a great day.

2010-01-15T19:27:00.000-08:00

Letters
Dear Travis: I really wish I could have fixed you. I'm sorry about that night. Every day I see you I want to make it right. I feel so stupid. I've written about you a lot, all those times in geometry. Okay, that sounded stalker-ish. Point is, we had something. That sounded cliche, but again, that's off topic. I really fucking miss you and I'm just so so sorry about the whole damn thing...

Dear Zack: Your hand held on for that extra second and told me everything. You said you'd text me. You didn't. It keeps going on and off, back and forth. We met in an old, dark, falling-apart furniture factory. We threw light bulbs. I know what you said.. what you insisted... But I have a very hard time believing you. Don't take that the wrong way. I know about all the other girls. I hate that.. that I still think about you. That I get jealous when you talk to that barbie bitch. That I still want you. I shouldn't. We were nothing. We are nothing. It's precisely my disinterest that keeps you coming back..... Fuck you. ( And then you say, "you already did," and laugh. Yeah. I know. We're both damaged, but I still have a secret.)

Dear Wade: I hardly know you but I love you very much. You are a beautiful person and I wish society and Travis wouldn't get in the way. Keep making your music.

Dear Matt: Your soul makes me cry. I want you to know it wasn't just the alcohol that made me empathetic. I really can relate. You are worth so much more than what he thought. He's the one missing out... You can do anything. I have faith in you.

Dear Gaston: I think I love you..... I'll wait for your reaction.

Dear Dakota: You were horrible to me. But I didn't lie: you were the best relationship I'd ever had at the time. I hate that. It's sad. Stop talking to me. I don't care how bitchy that sounds. Leave. Oh, by the way, you calling me "fucking emo cutter" while we were dating was just one of the many ways you proved you didn't give a fuck you dick. (P.S.: we should have saved the poor bird.)

Dear Tyler P.: I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish we were still friends like we used to be. Do you realize that I went to the bathroom and cried after you looked at me like that? You are one of my best friends. You have to power to make me feel absolutely worthless or absolutely worth it. Why do you always choose the former? I miss you.

Dear Dylan A.: I'm really sorry about everything. I don't even know how to say it all.

Dear Dylan D.: You are so great. I love you. I just.. I wish we could be closer. It's really hard, being alone. Not that it's your fault, at all. But you're one of the few people who get me.

Dear Cody: I want you just so I can fuck you over. It'd be revenge. That's really stupid, right? But I felt like I was dying the other day. You wouldn't acknowledge me. I'm not sure why I expected you too. By the way, you got uglier.
I just remembered.. You told me I deserved a guy way better than you. Did you ever really mean that? Was it just reverse psychology? Because it certainly worked that way.

Dear Robert: I think I get it. I love you and the fact that we can talk for hours because of our lives. You get everything. I wish there were no laws against it. Really, I do. I feel way to young. We could make each other's pain worth it.

Dear Glasses Kid: I feel connected to you. I have since I first met you and you were scribbling in the margins of a poetry book. I'm sorry I can't remember your name.

Dear Brett: She stole you! She took my story and used it as hers! She used it to make you fall for her. You weren't supposed to... It was supposed to be me.... This song makes me want to cry. I think of you. Sometimes I think of that time at Moon Monkey. You sat with me and we listened to the guitars. You asked me if you could kiss me and I said no.. It was because of her. Really, I didn't owe her anything. It was just a formality. I wish I would have let you. We could have made music together. Dammit. That's how it always goes, though, right? I miss you.

Dear Tyler M.: It's not that I don't like it. However, you really need to choose.

Dear Glen: I'm sorry but I can't do it. It's way too stressful. I know it's not fair to you, but for once I'm going to take care of myself. Goodbye.

Dear Quinten: You are so dramatic. You're a sweet kid, but really, grow up and toughened up. The world is going to eat you alive. I admit I was unclear, which was unfair to you, but you were the one who went suicidal on me after one date. Jesus. I was a good lesson, I think. It's difficult but it has to happen. You'll find someone, I promise. You're still so young.

Dear Josh: Hindsight is twenty/twenty. I now know exactly what I should have done. I'm glad you two are back together, really. Good for you. I hope you guys work out. Make a high school love story come true.

2010-01-09T17:32:00.000-08:00

I'm posting to let you know I'm still alive.
Blogging just doesn't feel right to me at the moment. And if something doesn't feel right, I don't do it.
It's all good though. I'll be back. (:

2009-12-20T17:53:00.000-08:00

I'm on overload.

Gaston ODed.
Maggie's dead. And I'm a cold bitch.
I really really want to cut myself but I can't.
My sister... god. My sister.
The fucking sideview mirror.
That long car ride.. Jesus.
I feel fat, which should not be a big issuse, but it is.
Most of my friends, who do not understand anything whatsoever.
David just doesn't get it.
My aunt Natalie and the kids.
The potential of Gabby and Alex S., whether it's good or bad.
And I just feel really depressed.

I want to stop feeling.

2009-12-04T20:08:00.000-08:00

I am trying desperately to understand when it stopped. Or started. Whichever it is. When did I start hating myself like this? When did I lose my innocence? I cannot remember a time when I loved the face in the mirror or did not think that men were selfish and cruel and controlling... And the sex. I cannot remember a time when I didn't know what sex was, when I didn't think the demented way I do about sex, or when I didn't think that all men ever wanted was sex and a mother. My parents have told me that. It's wrong... But it's my life. I know that there must have been a time when I loved myself, was innocent, etc.... I just burst into tears looking at a photo of myself when I was one. Maybe I'm being over-dramatic, but even in that picture I look too serious. I must have been innocent then. One is not born polluted, are they?I don't know, I don't know.... I wish I could love myself. I wish I wasn't stuck in this head of mine, where there is so much screaming all the time.

2009-11-30T16:19:00.000-08:00

We broke up.
I... I'm not upset about that, really. We never saw each other and it's for the best. But.. He treated me better than anyone. And I told him about the thing. The thing! Jesus... I can't believe how quickly I trusted him.
God now I'm crying. I wasn't upset earlier, at all. Why am I getting upset? There is no reason for it. Stupid slut.
Fuck. I realize that I rant too much on this blog, all about depressing things and how much my life sucks. I'm sorry. Life is really not too bad for me. I'm just hurt at the moment. I feel like an outsider everywhere I go. I want to do all these horrible things to myself all the time. I'm such a masochist. And... He made me feel better. I didn't love him. But being with him at least made me feel worth something. I was pretty around him. I could be the girl in the relationship for once... I didn't have to take care of him. He took care of me. I told him the thing! God fucking damn it!
I want to know what it feels like to love someone and to be loved back. He made me feel worth something and now that worth is gone along with him.
I realize that I have to love myself before I can love or be loved by anyone else... But that is so, so difficult.
On a different note, can't she fucking realize how much I hatehatehate being touched?
I feel miserable. I shouldn't. Is anyone else as disgusted by the typicality of their emotions like I am? I want to be numb. I want to be indifferent.
I hate this.

2009-11-25T19:08:00.000-08:00

Here's some stuff I've written lately. It's all psycho crap.

I absolutely love how
they all think
I'm
fine.
Happy, even.
With my
great boyfriend
good grades
hippie attire
I must be fine
they either don't
see
or
they
ignore
the cuts under my hemp
due to the fact
that I despise
fucking my great boyfriend
and the good grades
are only because it's fairly easy
and
if I'm alright in school
the secret stinking drunks
will stay out of my life
and
let me out of this cage
unknowingly
on the weekends.
I am supposed to be writing a research paper
on anorexia
but who gives a fuck?
I only want to
cut and
bleed and
fuck
drink
snort
smoke
shoot
puke
sleep
burn
burn
burn
drown
It would be quiet
to drown
down below everything
in a cold blue fist
cold.
quiet.
dark.
passing into unconsciousness.
passing
to get closer to
the dream world
where DMT makes me
psychosane.
And I can finally
breath.
Dylan.
Save me.
Save me, dammit! Dylan!
I need it!
I need you!
Give me drugs,
pump my veins...
get into that magical
gland
in my brain
where there is nirvana
and I can go
psychosane.
Give me the drugs, Dylan.
Dylan.
Psychedelic.
Tripping.
The fruit and grass,
the sun.
feet.
the music.
I can feel everything.
we are above it
we are flying
take me away from here
to neye
to nirvana.
Please, Dylan, I am dead.
Save me.
Wake me.
I want to live,
but not like this. That.
not like that.
Save me.
Save me.
Save me.
Crash.
----------------------------
He is shocked by the amazing foreign-ness of the undersides of tongues
As we cower in the backseats of cars
Denying that we reek
Just as badly as the naked rotting street children
With dreadlocked hair and dirty genitalia
In more ways than one
They bear black teeth and trash-caked nails,
Fighting for their own piece of insanity to become normal.
They laugh manically at the aristocracy,
Mocking their half-hearted attempts to understand
The rampant napkin scribblings
Of naked rotting street children.
-------------------------------
I walked into a class
with marked up arms and
a copy of Bukowski
not really aware of
my expression or attitude
just being.
And this girl.
I smile at her because
due to curious circumstances
she knows me
and
I know her.
Then as I crack open
Bukowski
and read the first
line of the uninitiated
she is suddenly standing over me.
Telling me,
you know,
if you ever need to talk,
I'm here,
alright?
And I freeze
go stiff
because why would she care about me?
She must know something,
I assume,
and I glance at
the ribbons on my arms
and hate her for knowing.
She said
she's artistic
a real Renaissance girl.
Yet if she were truly artistic
would she not be crazy
like me?
Would she not ignore
my scars of madness?
I suppose
I suppose I hate her
because
she is like me
in the mask she wears
of quiet artistic normalcy,
or at least sanity.
she is terrifying because
she, like me,
knows that
such a thing
cannot exist.
And so she sees these scars
and knows they are
self-made
that they spring from
the desperate screaming
blinded starving
self-pitying
bitchy manic
self hating
delirious thing inside of me
that dares call itself an artist.
But we both know
this game, this facade
So I smile.
Thank you.
I am here for you
also.
And I compliment her shirt
And she walks away
to sit in her desk
in this penitentiary
where they pretend
to nurture
us
But if we shine through these masks,
truly shine,
they shove a diagnosis
and candy-colored pills
down our swollen throats
so the girl and I
we sit and we pretend
and I hate her because she knows.
---------------------
Those are just three I randomly picked up off the floor. Blah. Although I got in a car accident today and Gaston's depressed and I feel absolutely obese, I'm actually pretty happy right now. And I have a great inspiration for a new book, thanks to Kyrstin. (:
Yay.

2009-11-22T20:09:00.000-08:00

I fucked him. Twice in the same day. The same hour. Then later I blew him in the backseat of his car.

I wanted to ask him is he still loved me afterwards but then I realized he never loved me in the first place.

Don't look at me.

2009-11-19T18:11:00.000-08:00

You know it's bad when one of the biggest druggies you know says to you, "You're smart. You skipped a grade. So why are you doing so many drugs?"

Or when a friend who has slept with numerous guys tells you that, "You're a hoe. You're a smart hoe, but babe, you're a hoe."

And then when that you deny doing drugs to that druggie, he laughs and says, "Please. You're smoking a square, wearing hemp, and you mumble whenever you talk. I think someone's had a few to many trips."

And when you deny being a hoe to that friend, she says, "Babe. You've been pregnant. You are a hoe, more than me. And that's saying something. But I love you anyways."

I feel like shit. I mean two people today have confirmed the fact that I'm a drugged up whore who's throwing my life away.

Well, I typed that like two hours ago. ^^

Then I got talking to Kyrstin. We WILL be friends, fucking dammit. We will be. No more hiding in fear. I'm going to make this work.

We shall hang out Saturday. :D

As for tomorrow night, going to Erik's party with Gaston. My boyfriend. I like the sound of that.

2009-11-12T18:24:00.000-08:00

The world is a really sad place. It is just damn sad.
My uncle Mike is a guitar prodigy. He's absolutely amazing... And that is all he has in his life. He is 55 and alone. And today he lost his finger. He can no longer play guitar. It just makes me so sad. I cried a lot when I found out. I mean, he could have lost his leg and been fine. He could have even lost his pinkie finger or something... But no. It had to be his left index. I am so sad for him. I'm going to make him a cake tomorrow.
And my family is falling apart. They don't love each other, not like married couples should. Everything is so tense and I can see what a messed up group of people we are. We're all survivors of tragedies, strangers to each other. Yet we call ourselves a family. We share a home and food and income... And then on occasion we share a little bit of our souls. And we call it family. But hey, I guess you take what you can get. I'm a way better off than a lot of people.
I caught a glimpse of a little boy in my dad today. It made me want to hug him for the first time I can ever remember. He was so little and sad and vulnerable all of the sudden.... I do love him.
And my mother. My poor mother. Her heart is hardening from years of pain. I want to take it all away but I can't. I feel like I just add to it. I love her so, so, so much. More than anything in the world. And I hate seeing her broken like this. I wish I could fix her. God I wish I could fix her...
I am just so fucking scared. Absolutely petrified. I don't know what to do.

2009-11-10T05:06:00.000-08:00

I guess I'm kind of in the middle of everything.
I can't control my own life, I can't decide what to do, I can't... I don't even know.
Don't get me wrong, my life's pretty good right now. I have an awesome boyfriend. I've been coming to terms with some things that have happened in the past. Most of my friends and I have no issues. Yet at the same time there are little things that are fraying the edges... And I'm very scared that everything will soon come undone.

2009-11-05T20:28:00.000-08:00

My insides area all twisted up and I feel very vulnerable for the first time in a while. I have a headache right between my eyebrows. My stomach is fluttery and I'm cold. Mostly, thoguh, I want it to shut up.

It's like... this actually has not happened to me before. And it's scary, because it's coming from someone I trust. From someone who really is a good person. And that totally clouds my judgement, because now I just don't know.

Now all the happiness seems fake, and I just want to sleep. I've been doing that a lot lately, sleeping off my problems. I like not feeling.

It's like. Nice pushy. Nice, then pushy. Then back to nice. I don't know. I hate this disease.

2009-11-01T17:57:00.000-08:00

I went to see Paranormal Activity with Gaston tonight. (((:
And I really like him a super lot! :D

2009-10-30T20:34:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhahahahaah! I went on a date with Gaston who I really like and Kyrstin said he was a really good guy and he's texting me now and he wants to make plans to hang out again and he said he really wanted to hold my hand when we were watching Saw VI and oh my gawd I'm happy. XD Hehehe I'm giggly and I love it. This is like the first crush I've had in forever. I feel so.. Ecstatic! I don't know, I'm just ah! Awesome!

And, although I was supposed to see Paranormal Activity tonight (after six nights in a row of cancellations) I did not see it yet again. But, that's okay! Because Saw VI was pretty good and I had mini chewy sweet tarts and then of course Gaston who makes me giggly and fluttery inside. But shh, that's a secret!

Anyways, tomorrow I have conference! I'm slightly nervous, but not too bad.

And tomorrow's Halloween, which I have mixed feelings about... I love the holiday and everything, but it marks the two year anniversary of the worst day of my life. I was just looking for this thing I wrote about it... The night my life fell apart. I'll have to try to be happy tomorrow. I really don't want to let something that happened two years ago affect me now.

On a happier note, life's pretty damn good. (: Goodnight!

2009-10-26T19:43:00.000-07:00

Know what I'm thinking about?

How about now?

I can't stop thinking. I'm crazy. I can't stop thinking I'm crazy.

I know, stupid selfpitying selfish bitchy worthless slut.

Since when do you deserve anything? Shut the fuck up.

2009-10-25T18:11:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a while. I don't have much to say.
Life is very simple and much too complicated at the same time.
I love the wrong people. And I push away those I should love.
I hurt. A lot.
I have no idea what I'm doing. At all.
I'm trying to live one day at a time. It's hard.
I want to love some one. I want to know it's possible. I want to know it's real.

And there's so, so much more trapped inside.

2009-10-18T17:57:00.000-07:00

So, I guess I sort of have a talent for drawing detail, according to Ms. Lacy. I really appreciate her saying that. I've been drawing my entire life, but I never thought I was any good... Hmm. This is interesting, actually.
I've been making music in my head all the time lately for the past week when I sleep. I'll wake up with songs in my head, lyrics, things that my mind has made while I dream. I love it, but I don't know how to get it down. Like this morning, I woke up with a perfect drum intro and some keyboard stuff in my head and I just don't know how to get it down. I guess my constant practicing is paying off, but I need to find a way to save it.

I'm going to go sketch some stuff.

2009-10-17T20:33:00.000-07:00

Ugh. I am so scared that I will never have a healthy relationship...

So this really sweet guy who I actually kinda like asks me to go to a movie with him and a couple other people. I want to go, but I say no because that would imply that I like him which would imply a future relationship which would imply, eventually, sex and sexual activities. Which scare the shit out of me in a relationship.

I just do not understand how sex and love fit together, ever. I mean, I guess I know it happens... But I don't see how. It just doesn't make sense to me. I can't figure out how to make that work. And that's really frustrating.

Those god damn people.. They ruined an entire aspect of my life. I can't even go on a simple date with out freaking out.

I've been to enough doctors to know why I'm crazy like this, but no one can give me any way to fix it. They tell me I need to identify what caused these emotions; uh, I already have. Now what? "Come to terms with what happened." Done. Still don't feel any better. Now what? And from there it can take any number of directions, but nothing works!

I hate this. I hate them.

And I'm trying to love myself and let myself be loved. But that's a lot harded than it sounds. Aubrey proved it; I thought I was improving. A lot. But either I haven't at all or I have a much longer way to go than I originally thought.

Also, we have something. You and I both know it. And it terrifies both of us. But it's there, Harry Potter boy. It's there..

2009-10-14T18:36:00.000-07:00

I had my first panic attack in several years today. Why? Because my family is moving to Scotland. I was happy when I found that part out. Ecstatic. But then I found out it won't be for several years... Not until after I graduate. And that's when I freaked out. I've been suppressing it, but I'm going fucking insane here.
Yeah, see, you would think that moving to a different country would make me depressed. But it's the exact opposite. I hatehatehate staying in one place for too long. I've been to four different schools in two and a half years. And I'm still going crazy. It's like a disease I have; my mom and my uncle and my cousin and my grandma and a few other people I'm related to have it, too. It's horrible. Staying in one place is just hell. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. The absolutely only thing I would miss would be my friends, obviously. Other than that, nothing. I want to leave. And my parents are saying we probably will... But not for several years. Not until after I graduate. Which means I'll be out of the house anyways. And I don't know if I can stand three more fucking years. And even then, I won't have money to travel. I feel like I'm going to be stuck here forever and I'm fucking freaking out. I hate it here, I hate it! And I know that if I move, it'll be better for a while... Then I'll have to move again. But I'm okay with that. I like that.
I want to go to Scotland. I want to meet new people, go new places, leave this fucking bullshit town behind. I hate driving past Zack's house and thinking about what I did. I hate seeing him and him and him in the halls and feeling shame. I hate seeing that people who used to be my best friends have turned into complete strangers. And I hate never discovering anything new anymore.
I have to get out of here. I fucking have to.

Oh, also this "disease" scares the shit out of me... What's going to happen in college, after a year? Will I be crawling out of my skin like I am now and want to leave? I'll have to pick a college with a study abroad program... Just a thought.

2009-10-12T10:53:00.000-07:00

I have cramps and I feel sick.
However, I went to Fright Fest last night! It was pretty great. But It was also extremely cold, which is probably why I feel like crap.

Also, I want to dfajsfhgbtuyegwufnb. Yeah, I can't actually say what I want to do. It'll mess it all up. But, I do. And first I need a job.
I NEED A JOB.
I'm so broke. So is my family.
We have no money anymore, but we're living like we still do. Which is very, very stupid.
I'm scared.

2009-10-05T17:43:00.000-07:00

Oh. Awesome. He's taken as of five days ago. I don't know why the hell I got my hopes up.
I'm crying. A lot. I can't remember the last time I cried. I cannot stop. I want to cut myself and get high and shut up the voices inside my head. Here's one reason why:
"ok so ya i know like we dont talk anymore, but i thought you would find this... interesting?.. ok well you know how i'm all like anti-cutting... ya... i just cut a smiley in my thigh."
Dakota sent me that. He's been doing stuff like that all the time lately, and blaming me for his cutting. And I know he's just trying to get to me, but I feel absolutely shitty anyways.
And Gabby just stopped by, and she's such a good friend.... I'm such a horrible friend.
But you're jsut fucking crazy Alex, of course you're repetitive in your complaints like the rest your friends. They're still sensetive to you though and you just like to build up those fucking brick walls.
God you'recrazycrazycrazyyou'recrazy. These voices won't fucking shut up! I want to sleep or OD or die something, just so I can stop feeling. I fucking hate feeling.

2009-10-03T11:28:00.000-07:00

I'm so young. He's 1096 days older than me... (Long story how I know that.) But, he's just... charming. Loveable. Relatable. Sweet. Funny. Artistic, thoughtful, smart, independent, quirky. I love everything about him. I remember that day at the park; I wanted to sit with him. He looked at me like.. I can't describe it. But I felt like I was being looked at by an amazing person, and it made me nervous. Good nervous. And know that I know all these things about him, all the awful things from his past, I find him even more amazing. I wonder if he opens up to everyone like that. I mean, Savannah and Gabby don't even know how bad he got into drugs... Why would he tell me? Maybe.. Maybe we feel the same. Maybe not. I hope so. And I love my mom for understanding... She gets it. He gets back today, and we're hanging out soon. I'm not sure exactly when; he's been gone for three months, after all, and I'm sure he'll be very busy catching up with everyone. God, I want to love him...

In other news, I've gone kind of crazy the past week. I haven't slept much because I've suddenly been hit by this wave of... I don't know what to call it, creativity? I've been practicing guitar so much I have permenant dents in my finger tips and I'm covered in pen, paint, and charcoal from drawing and writing. It's like I have all these crazy voices in my head and I need to get them out. So far, I'm liking the results.

2009-10-01T19:15:00.001-07:00

Today has been a good day. I cut 7 seconds off my breast stroke time and 6 seconds off my freestyle time. Yay! I really like swimming. And, I taught myself how to play On The Brightside on guitar. :D Andand, I got a pumpkin pie blizzzard! Life's pretty good. (:

2009-09-30T18:41:00.000-07:00

When I get upset, this is how I feel: There is a crowd of screaming people, a riot, rushing through my veins. They gather in my wrists and pulse there and they refuse to shut up. And I want to cut them out. Oh, god, I want to just tear my skin off. It feels filthy. When I'm upset, I don't want to eat. I don't deserve to eat. I feel ugly. Stupid. But most of all, worthless.

Today has been a bad day. Not bad in the sense that bad things happened... More so, I just feel like crap. And then things kept piling up. But the things that keep floating back into my mind.. it makes me feel like poison is being shot through my veins. He was holding hands with her, and kissing her gently, and I was thinking back to New Years... And it's just not right. I've seen them together before, but today it just seemed especially bad. I hate myself for the fact that I looked at her body, and I saw it was fat. And I was happy about it. I hate that I made myself throw up because I want to stay thinner than her, because that's one thing I have on her. I wonder if she was ever a whore. I wonder if she ever did the things I did. I wonder if he loves her, and what makes her so different.

And I have no one to talk to. I know, right, what's new, Alex? You always say that... Stupid closed-off bitch.

And my parents are always saying how lucky I am to have parents I can talk to. Yeah fucking right. Everytime they say that my mind screams, You let me get fucking raped and molested! Numerous times! How the fuck are you good parents?

But I know I'm wrong.

2009-09-23T19:41:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhaha.. Ah!
Alex has a crush. XD

2009-09-22T19:17:00.000-07:00

(Warning: This will be an extremely random rambling entry.)
He's such a liar. It makes me laugh. I'm really quite impressed with his system; he's not stupid. Except he can't figure in the gossip of the other girls and their friends. I would ask him the question, but three things are holding me back. A) He would lie. B) I would have to answer the same question. C) I'm kind of not sure if I want to know.
I like him. Not the same him as above. But he's in another state and he's older and I love his soul. I really hope he can work everything out and when he comes back... When he comes back I will be in his life and he'll be in mine and everything will be happy and movie-like. We'll smile and laugh and fish and sit in cheap lawn chairs in the backyard and drink root beer because we're staying sober together. And I'll help him with school, and he'll help me with relaxing. It would be so good.
Ugh. Fuckfufckfuck. Stupid people. I love Villa. I love him, I love him. I love Tyler. He's amazing. Yet at the same time they're both awful.
I stabbed myself with a pen today because I got a question worng on a Spanish vocab test.
I'm fat.
And actually, I'm still quite happy. Very happy. I just need to get this damn stuff out of my head before I go crazy with it. Once it's out, I'm done with it. And everything is better.
I'm going to Homecoming now. I got my dress today. I love it. It makes me feel very pretty.
I'm going to see Backseat Goodbye on the 18th. Yay.
I'm tired and I need to practice my guitar more because I really, really, really want to learn to play. But I never seem to have time or motivation enough to do it. Grr. I should do it right now. I think I might.
I wish I could fall in love. No, I don't. Not yet. But I do want to eventually. I looks so wonderous.

Goodnight.

2009-09-20T19:17:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of doing an online geometery test for extra credit. Fun fun.
I'm happy. Very happy. Life's been awesome lately, though I'm not sure why. I love it.

Homecoming week is going to be amazing.. I can't wait, it'll be so much fun. Also, Villa and I have gotten closer. We cleared up some things up and our frienship's a lot better because of it. I'm really pleased about that. Also, Tyler and I got the whole Sean thing fixed and we're best friends again. :D Yay. Gabby is now dating an amazing guy named Luke, and I couldn't be happier for them. Savannah is finally paying attention to a good guy, and she's going to homecoming with Tyler S. I think that's awesome. I'm just... happy. Ha. It's great. Even when something bad happens, I get upset... But it's like it's a good upset. I mean, it feels like a normal, healthy reaction and then I'm back to my happy self in due time. I love it; I finally feel like my emotions are functioning properly. I'm not having crazy mood swings anymore. Those have been going on for a long time, but they are now gone. (:

Yeay, I got a 100 on my quiz!

I'm not sure if I'm going to homecoming. My dad said he'd pay for my ticket, Gabby would lend me a dress, everyone wants me to go... Maybe it's the lack of a date that's holding me back. I don't know. I'm really indesisive about it.

Swimming is going awesome, and I love it. A lot. At my last meet, I got 2nd in the 100 breast. That's really good, as it was only my second meet. I was so excited! I forgot to post that when it happened. Now I have a meet Thursday, and one Saturday. I can't wait.

Oh, also, I'm getting straight A's. And I plan to keep it that way.

Life's just good. (:

2009-09-18T20:55:00.000-07:00

"Who's class ring is this?"
"Um."
"Zack's? Why do you have Zack's class ring?"
"He left it here."
"When was he here?"
"A while ago."
No one else will understand the signifigance of that conversation.

Today was a fairly good day. I give no fucks about the world. (:
Rawr. Shit. Sex. Alcohol. Drugs. Yay.

2009-09-17T18:38:00.000-07:00

Whorewhorewhorewhorewhore.
Everything today was fucking awesome. I was just about to post about how happy I am. Was.
Then that. Just now.
Yeah, well FUCK YOU.
I don't even know what to say.
Maybe I should have taken that girl's damn offer. Maybe I should have told her yeah, I do do drugs, yeah I do want the dealer's number, yeah I want to come with you this weekend, yeah I want to go to the after party, yes yes yes, I am a fuck up and a whore and a cutter and an alcoholic and a worthless piece of shit.
I'm done with people like them. Fuck you and your opinions of me. I've always known I can do whatever I want; but now I plan to actually start doing that.
Ugh. I'm so... I don't even know.
Actually, I'm still happy. I'm happy because I know who I want to be and who I am. They can't change me anymore; I've been seeing that in myself lately. And yeah, there are still a lot of things wrong with me, but I follow my code of ethics and morals and I am a happy person. I don't let any one else's opinions effect what I do. I am my own person.

So yes. Go fuck yourself.

2009-09-13T15:45:00.000-07:00

There used to be reasons for their fights. Their fights you used to happen one, two times a month. They used to drink every once and a while.
Now, the fight every other night. Over absolutely nothing. Right now, they're fighting. The fight somehow got started because my mom was on the phone giving advice to her best friend, who she hardly ever talks to and sees once a year. David has this five-year-old mentality that makes him need attention whenever my mom or I am on the phone. So he kept interrupting, and she got pissed, and then he insulted her best friend... And now they somehow got on the topic of my mom's ex-boyfriend from twenty years ago. And yeah, I do keep tabs on everything they fight about. The topics are so minuscule sometimes, it makes me want to slap them and tell them to grow up.
And the drinking. At least two bottles of vodka are consumed a night at my house. What scares me even more than that is that David actually drives after consuming that much alcohol and acts like it's no big deal. Often with me or my sister in the car. If I bring it up, he gets beyond pissed. And they do it in front of my friends... I don't even want people to ever come over anymore. It's too embarrassing and sad.
I hate being at my house. David and I just aren't compatible anymore, really. I often wish he would just completely ignore me, and I would completely ignore him. I wish my mom and I could just be together on our own again. And the fighting is so annoying... It makes me want to scream.
They stopped. Thank god. But I'm holding my breath for the next round.
I wonder what the neighbors think... not that I care. But I do worry about how it all affects Olivia.
Don't get me wrong, I know this is fairly normal. Lots of people have problems like me, and many have it much worse. But that's the thing... This sort of life shouldn't be normal, for anyone.

I don't know. I'm actually not really upset. I'm even kind of happy. I just can't wait to get out of this house.

2009-09-05T22:13:00.000-07:00

My day today was exceptionally dull, but that's okay because I had a lot to think about.
Sean asked me to be his girlfriend last night. 0_0 I said no.. He was very upset and acted liked I'd said, "I'll think about it". He clinged to me the entire night. Like, literally. He had to be wrapped around me or at least touching me the whole time... It got really uncomfortable and I finally just had to leave. Now he's all upset and he's called me numerous times today and I don't know what to do...
And Luke was really upset last night, but he wouldn't tell me why, and that upsets me. Luke and I used to be fairly close and now... I hate how that happens. I miss him.
Also, Tyler is still all pissed at me. It makes me really sad.
Zack showed me a new side of himself last night. First, he expected me to just go off with him and.. Yeah. Then he was bitching at me because he saw me hugging Sean and he implyed that I was a slut. Which hurt way more than it should have, and I ended up doing something stupid because of it. Damn him. Then he was pissed today because I had to go to swim practice and to my cousin's cheerleading thing, so I couldn't hang out with him. I hate him. Well, not really.
Travis talked to me last night, a little. Maybe things between us are getting better.. I hope so.

I'm getting weirdly used to being alone and I've gone numb lately. People and emotions are currently absent in my life. I guess that's my reaction to drama.

Gah, I'm so complain-y... I need to cheer the fuck up.

2009-09-03T18:40:00.000-07:00

I got a new phone. (: Yay. Did I tell you I lost mine the other day? Well, yeah, I did.
Anyways, school today was pretty good. I just keep thinking about Zack. He occupied my the entire day. I hate that he can do that to me. He shouldn't be able to. Then something about him slipped out of my mouth to Savannah and she freaked. But thankfully, we were at swim practice and she's easily distracted, so she forgot it. I don't know what to think or do.
And.. Him. As he does everyday, he told me I have a cute smile. Of course, I blushed and grinned. And then he asked if I still had a crush on him. "I don't know, a little bit." And then... he said.. "Love isn't about making love." For some reason, that made my heart hurt. He's just too awesome.. But of course, his one year anniversary with his girlfriend is tomorrow. I really am happy for them, honestly.. But a little jealous, too. But not too bad.
It just seems like all the good guys are taken, you know? Normally, I don't really worry about guys. Just lately I have been. And I don't like it. I don't know.

2009-09-02T19:04:00.000-07:00

I guess the truth is I just don't know what to think of Zack. He confuses the hell out of me. He says he wants a relationship, and then the overpass thing happened.. along with all the other nights... He looked shocked when I told him I thought he wasn't serious and he was so blunt, so believable.. And while I can't say yes, I can't say no either. And the red letter thing, the thing that would attach me to him forever.. If that ever happened, I couldn't tell him. I'd be so scared. And it's a very real, very possible thing. He appears to be just like all the other guys, but then... He does something like say he misses me. How the hell could he miss me? Well, I know what he misses. And it's not me, the person. I want to curl in a ball and cry. This feeling kind of makes me want to go back to him, because... I don't even know why. It doesn't make any sense.

Then there's Travis, which I don't even want to attempt to talk about.

And Malpo. As childish as it sounds, I have a huge crush on Malpo. He is so perfect, and I am so not. He's like the guy I want but could never possibly, not-in-a-million-years get. Well, maybe.. He did call me cute. But still. God, just shut the fuck up, Alex!

And I know I sound all mopey and stupid and self-pitying, but whatever. I'll indulge myself only here.

I'm going to sleep.

2009-09-02T17:04:00.000-07:00

I'm so extremely stressed I'm about to cry. It doesn't make any sense. And I have to write right now to keep myself from A) bursting into tears and B) grabbing the bottle of vodka on the counter behind me.
I sometimes wish I was retarded. Like, mentally retarded. I know it's a terrible thing to wish, but maybe the world woudn't hurt so much if I couldn't understand it. I guess that's why I like alcohol and drugs; I don't have to think about or understand the world.

2009-09-01T14:59:00.000-07:00

So this a rant about my first day of school! Yay!

In first hour, I was happy to discover that Aubrey AND Tommy are in my P.E. class. :D That made me exceptionally happy.
Second hour, geometry, was... Um, I'm not sure. First, I despise math and all things math-related. So I wasn't to excited about that. Then, Travis walks in the door. I almost stopped breathing. I mean, I've seen him around after... But now I have to look at him everyday. And the only other person I know in that class is Mariah, who I can actually relate to more than she knows.. But still. She seems a bit aloof around me, although she did sit next to me. One good thing about geometry: We get to work in groups and the teacher seems pretty nice. Which is awesome because, as I mentioned, math is my worst subject.
Third-fouth hour I had Spanish II. My teacher was extremely bubbly and I have a good view out the window. (I have to be near windows in class or I go slightly crazy.) I didn't know anyone in that class. I think I'll like it.
Fifth-sixth hour, English II. I love english and all things english-related. (: My teacher seemed nice. As I sat down, I looked up to see a tall boy with blue-streaked hair walk in the door. He plopped down in a seat two rows over and grinned at me. Zack. I was partially terrified, partially happy, partially annoyed. I don't know what to do about him. At one point, when everyone was chattering, he looked at me and told me to smile. Stupidly, I did. He said that we'd never had our promised late-night phone conversation. I said I know. He said he was going to call me tonight. Stupidly, stupidly, stupidly, I gave him a thumbs up. I never fucking learn..
Whatever. Seventh hour, lunch, I SAW SEAN! :DD I was so ecstatic. I seriously squealed when I saw him. I ran up to him and stood in front of him. For a moment, he looked confused. Then recognition dawned on his face and he was all, "Alex!!" And we hugged and talked excitedly and I explained why I wasn't going to Mac anymore and it was just awesome. (: Then we just sat together and were happy and I gave him my number and we're supposed to hang out soon. I love that kid so damn much. Also, Tommy and Gabby are in my lunch hour. And Tyler M. is second semester. Yay! (Oh, and then eighth hour I just have studyhall..)
Ninth-tenth hour, I have biology. I'm the only sophmore in my class, but whatever. All the freshman were in a meeting, so I got to just talk to my teacher. She's really nice, and I found out I don't have to disect anything, which is a huge relief.
Eleventh hour, I have world history. My teacher is officially the best teacher in the world. He had Led Zepplin and Pink Floyd posters on his wall, and he was playing The Beatles when I walked in. He's super nice, doesn't give homework, and is relaxed about cell phones and iPods and late work. Oh, and Tommy is in my class. Plus, history is my favorite subject so that class should be great.
Other things that made this day great: I saw Noah, I saw Maria, I saw Mark, I saw Morgan, I saw Kenna, I saw Tyler M., I saw Gabby, I saw Savannah, I saw Chris, I saw Kevin, I saw Tyler P., I like my teachers, I like my classes, I went to ihop afterwards, and I like the school a lot.
Some things that made it not so great: Travis, Zack, I saw Josh with that slut Megan (okay, okay, I'm bitter, that was bitchy, sorry Megan...), Villa was being a dick and it really upset Gabby, and I got really sick around one and I still feel kinda crappy.

I'm rather happy. (:

2009-08-30T19:31:00.001-07:00

So, I really, really should be asleep right now because I have to go running and then swimming at 6 a.m. tomorrow. I'm not a morning person. Joy.
But, I'm too awake. And I'm in an incredibly "I love life" mood. Gah. It's crazy.
Chad Sugg is my new hero. He's a musician and he writes poetry. Everything he creates just makes me insanely happy inside.
I just took a huge ass splinter out of my finger. Yay.
Ugh. School starts in one day... Fuck. I don't want it to. Whatever. I love life. (:
Wow. I just reread that. I have serious ADD.
Here's a sort-of poem I wrote last night at two a.m. when I got back from BWW with Zac and Gabby. It's kind about normalcy and what the world has come to. I don't know. Some of it is made up. Like, my home life isn't usually as bad as it sounds here. A lot of it is metaphorical. Well yeah. Enjoy, give me feed back. (:

Normal
By Alex VanDehey.

But suddenly life just seems so horrendous

And I'm twisting in my skin to get out
Oh please god, just let me out

I let myself sink

into the peach fuzz of the backseat

Breathe,
breathe,
breathe.

Normal people don't do this.
I un-trap my tissue paper skin
from my clenched fingernails
And lose myself in the music
of the front seat conversation

They speak of normal things in normal voices
Music opinions, high school gossip, funny stories.

We pass a bus stop and I imagine leaving.
This town has my scars scraped all over it.
I don't like my scars
and I don't like this town.

I wonder if the would miss me, the front seat people.
Maybe for a month or two.
But I'm nothing worth remembering
And I'm okay with that.

And now I feel like Piggy,
Golding's imagined misfit,
ostracized and unwanted
by the front seat people.

They stop and I look
up at my looming house
Dark, empty, emanating upset.
At least to me.

Now I remember why I stay
with the blabbering front seat people.

They are normal.

My home's hateful quiet sobers me,
tells me to straighten up, stay strong,
simply go into battle mode
and all will be fine.

The bottle is spilt on the rug,
My mother's body consumes the sofa,
Daddy isn't home, of course.

The sounds of sex intrude my ears,
Crawling and clawing from my brother's room.

And my baby sister lies
with wide open, ghostly eyes,
an innocent witness
to the horrors of home.

My lips brush her forehead,
urging an attempt at sleep.
She pushes me away.
My heart shatters.

I step into my bare room,
shedding my clothing.
Naked and vulnerable,
I swallow the moons mechanically.

I think back to the perfect, normal, front seat people,
with nice houses, together families,
a steady income, decent grades,
family portraits, sports teams,
church-involved, above the influence...

It makes me sad to realize,
as I peer out my dingy window
at one neighbor with a bong
and another throwing plates,
that the normal front seat people
aren't normal at all.

But they should be.

2009-08-27T17:58:00.000-07:00

I miss him a lot. Is that weird? Yes. But who cares? It's how it is. And he said he thought about it daily... Harry Potter.... God I love that boy. And Sean. I wish I could see them both again.
I feel like I'm in a dream state lately, not really connected to anyone. I like it. I'm floating above the world and oddly, nothing really seems real. Normally that might make me crazy but for some reason I'm enjoying it. Maybe it's being back in my old house so much. Too much blending of the past with the present. I don't know, probably not. I feel... and I know this sounds bad... But I feel like I felt the first time I got high. Kind of just floating, content and uncaring. I like it...

2009-08-27T12:26:00.001-07:00

I joined the swim team. I hate it and I love it. I have a two hour practice (for the second time today) in half an hour. I'm so, so tired. I don't want to go. All the girls are really nice, but... I don't know. I feel awkward with them. There's no reason whatsoever for me to feel uncomfortable, but I do. Then again, I've always kind of been like that. Eh, whatever. It doesn't really matter.
I've been teaching myself to play guitar. I'm in love. I can't stop practicing. It's just so fun, and I feel... I don't know. Cool, happy, at peace. My guitar is my baby. (:
So, Tyler said I have no standrds. That hurt. A lot. All because of stupid Josh H. and his car. It was only once and it was a long, long time ago. He just found out, and with his temper, he freaked. Luckily, Zac was much more understanding and comforting. I love Zac. But me and Tyler have been having issues since then, and it sucks. But it's not like we're fighting. More so, we're just not close. I used to always say, "I love you," before I hung up or got out of his car. Not anymore. He used to want to hang out with just me. Not anymore. We used to be best friends and I could tell him anything. Not anymore. But I surprisingly don't really care. What happens, happens. If Tyler's going to be a dick about something I did before we'd even met, so be it.
Ugh. I must go. I'm off to run two miles and swim 1600. Joy.

2009-08-22T16:26:00.000-07:00

I realize that all my posts are extremely negative and depressing, so I feel the need to tell you that I actually am fairly happy. It's just that the only time I ever really feel like writing is when I'm upset, because it's an awesome way to vent. So, yeah. There.

2009-08-22T16:05:00.001-07:00

Sometimes when the voices won't shut up, I go into my own little head world. I press on my eyes and see lights and I mumble words. Sometimes, I realize what I'm saying. And it scares the shit out of me.
But now I hear them, and I see their habits, and I'm really not sure which is worse. We're not stable people.
I hate being here. I feel horrible about it, but it's true. That's why I like being with my friends. When I'm with them, the voices leave me alone. I don't have to watch my, for lack of a better word, "family" fall apart.
I hate my house. The other day I found a bunch of cardboard boxes and started packing everything in my room up. Then I realized I'm stuck here another three years. The boxes and garbage bags are strewn around my room, staring at me and telling me to hurry up, hurry up, grow up, get out.
As soon as I get a job, I'm cutting myself off. I'll by my own car, my own clothes, my own gas. I don't even want to eat their food; I'll buy my own. Being dependent on them makes me feel like I'm trapped, owned. I hate it so much here. I love my "family", but they're so messed up and I feel so suffocated. I jsut want to live my own life. I'm tired of them tying me down!

I caught myself doing patterns yesterday. I'm scared I'm crazy too.

2009-08-20T21:02:00.000-07:00

2009-08-20T19:37:00.000-07:00

I know they're bad for me. But I don't really care. I love them. I love the way M. punches metal signs and brick walls with his metal hands and is so incredibley easy-going. I love how P. teaches me how to fight and always treats me special. I love how K. has conversations with herself and doesn't care if I'm quiet or weird or me. I love how R. quotes movies constantly and gives those looks. And I know where they've all been... All but K. and me. Honestly, I don't care. I feel accepted and at home with them. Everything is just so kicked-back and perfect. Well, no, not perfect. We're just a handful of kids sitting in a garage trying to find a moment of peace in the messed up world. And yeah, we've done things that messed it up more in that garage. But we always go back to it. And I know that it's not considered right, but I don't see why. We're happy there. And it's odd how it ended up, really. Three boys, two girls, and R.'s lady of the week. I wonder what will come of it, and if anything does come of it, who will be with who. Legality and pain and regret and fear and hate and inhibitions all just melt away in the garage. It's my "happy place". I know plenty of people who would be upset about it, but I don't care. I love them and I love our place. It's ours and the world can't penetrate.

2009-08-18T19:17:00.000-07:00

I love Tyler. I would love for him to be mine and me to be his.
But he would never understand "it". Actually, he probably would. But it scares the shit out of me to even consider telling him. It was the worst thing that's ever happened to me and I would love to just deny that I'm scarred by it, but that's not possible. Sex is normal. It is. But it got so distorted for me; I don't know what to think.
I don't know what it's like to look at him after and feel loved. I don't know what it's like to have the bravery to say "stop". I don't know what it's like to be okay just laying there, or to not cry after, or to not hate every second of it. I don't know what it's like to feel pleasure or to feel close to someone. I just feel used, dirty, miserable, numb. Part of me knows I'm crazy, but I still feel like it's just the price I have to pay.
How could they say that to me? I was eight. They taught me everything, and everything they taught was twisted. It wasn't fair, the way I learned. But life's not fair.
I cannot be with Tyler. Relationships involve sex and I can't tell him my feelings on that. And it wouldn't be fair to him.

I guess "they" were right...

2009-08-16T16:58:00.000-07:00

The entanglements of scars make it so hard to run away, slapping a vulgar label across my skin. They won't fall into a hush like I would love so much; no, they scream and scream, alleging me for being to grotesquely obese, for being much much too greedy and egotistic, for being foolish, for never learning, for being a slut, a whore, a tramp, for having no self-respect, for actually thinking I deserve even the slightest bit of sympathy when I deserve nothing, for making innumerable mistakes, for causing others pain, for everything I've ever done wrong. The voices ebb and floe. Sometimes they're bearable. Sometimes, they almost disappear. But often, they rip through my veins like a stampede, trampling my heart and brain and stomach and lunges, my tongue, my eyes, my ears, my hands. But mostly my wrists. They pool in my wrists and pulse, having a private rave to drown out my logic. Their songs have one chorus, one beat, one rhythm: worthlessworthlessworthless, worthlessworthlessworthless, worthless fucking piece of shit!
The only way to shut them up is bleed them out. But I'm not allowed to do that anymore. The almighty braless bitch says it's wrong to open myself up. But my mother's rare tears let me know that I don't deserve it. That's what enables me to stay sane with their mutterings caged inside of me. Because while the voices excruciate, my mommy's crying eradicates.

2009-08-10T07:44:00.000-07:00

I'm actually not that upset. I just kind of have this, wtf? feeling. I got quite a good angry painting out of it last night.
It's a beautiful day and I should go outside. I have exactly two weeks left of summer. It scares the crap out of me. I really, really do not want to go back. It makes me feel sick and anxious to think about it.
I'm trying to find a place for comfort. Is it guitar? Painting? Writing? Music? Photography? A person? I pray it's not a person.
I keep telling myself I don't care but it hurts so badly.
I miss when we were so innocent and we knew nothing of sex and drugs and hate and pain. Life was easy and worry free, when we didn't have to think about hurting or being hurt. We didn't know the evil the world is capable of.
I can't stop crying. They were right and I hate it. I'm terrified.

2009-08-10T07:08:00.000-07:00

Him: Can I ask you a personal question? You don't have to answer.
Me: Okay.
Him: Are you a virgin?
Me: ... Well, no.
Him: Oh.
Me: Yeah.
Him: Um I have to go eat. Bye.
-Click-

-_-

2009-08-09T06:16:00.000-07:00

Currently, life's good. (:

I got back from Camp MOSH yesterday. It was really amazing. There was this little boy named Steven at the house we were volunteering at. He was just so sweet and loved helping us. He was beaming the whole time. Then one day, he apparently overheard someone say it was hot. So he rode his bike to a gas station and bought us all Popsicles with his own money. He's nine. It was just so endearing. Steven has had a really hard life and he's just a wonderful little boy.

Then there was Sean. God, I'm tearing up just thinking of him. I love him and I've only known him for five days. I remember the first time I noticed him. He was leaning against a wall in the cafeteria waiting in line for food staring at the ceiling like he was way away from here. He looked innocent. Then someone said something to him and he instantly toughened up, went back to his gangster persona. The way I got to go back to his tent was when he offered me a Monster. We sat and talked and drowned out the country music playing at the school with Linkin Park. I found out he was a crack baby. He told me about his life, I told him about mine. It was almost too easy, opening up to him. He smoked, I smoked. Yeah, I smoked. Four cigarettes. Now I'm done. Then there was the things he did behind my back; threatened a guy who liked me because he was afraid I'd stop talking to him, sobbed by himself because he was convinced no one loved him, burned himself and took some Ritalin to shut up the noise inside his head. I can completely relate to him and he makes me want to cry and laugh all at once. He wrapped his sweatshirt around me without me even asking. The thing that captured my attention the most, though, was that he acted like such a hard ass when really he's incredibly vulnerable. If I would have never gotten to know him, I would probably think he's just some asshole poser. But really, he's one of the most amazing and inspirational people ever. I never got to say goodbye to him, though; he got extremely sick and had to go home in the middle of the night. I don't think I'll ever see him again, and it crushes me. I'm now considering becoming a psychologist because of Sean. I want to help people like him. He deserves it... He deserves help. I miss him so much.

-------------

(We're lying in the grass, skipping praise and worship, and his hand is next to mine. I'm tying pieces of grass in knots.)

Him: What are you thinking?

Me: -giggle-

Him: What? Tell me, please?

Me: Well, I'm thinking about you and me. And about what I ate after Warped Tour. And I have Bohemian Rhapsody stuck in my head.

Him: Oh god. -laughs a lot- You're awesome.

Me: Thank you. -grins-

-long comfortable silence-

Him: I want to say what I'm thinking but it would be totally weird and it would ruin everything. I mean, I'm such a freak and you're-

Me: Just say it then. I won't care.

Him: -sighs- Okay, well, you know in Harry Potter when...

And he proceeds to relay a Harry Potter scene when Harry is thinking of how easy it is to grab that golden flying ball thing out of the air but he had such a hard time just grabbing this girl's hand and that's kinda how he feels now...

My heart melted.

2009-07-31T19:00:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited for Warped Tour tomorrow! I can't wait. It's the only thing I've really been looking forward to this summer. I get to see All Time Low and Escape the Fate! XD Yay! And it's just a day to be free, which is what I love most about it. Freedom. I get to spend an entire day and night with Gabby and Tyler and we can do whatever we want, no hovering parents or other people to worry about.

Also, my dad is currently out of town. He's in San Francisco. I spent the entire day with my mom today and it was so amazing... It reminded me of when I was younger. We had fun, just being together. God, I love her so much. I wish we were still back in our little yellow house, sharing a bed and a life that was just ours. No dad, no other siblings. That was awesome. It was us against the world, and I miss it. I love my mom more than anything.

Oh, andandand, I got my pictures developed! From that big awesome chunky film camera. There were only about two that I liked, but whatever. Actually, my favorite was one I accidentally snapped of Kyrstin when she came over. It's like a "don't look at me" thing. Idk, I like it. I'll post it sometime. (: I got more film, so I'll be shooting a lot more hopefully.

So I'm just sitting here babysitting two girls, a four year old named Tessa and a two year old named Jorie. They're absolutely adorable and they behaved really well. The parents said they would be home around 12:30 and the girls went to sleep an hour ago, so I have another 3 to 4 hours of boredom. But I don't care... Life is currently good. (:

2009-07-27T22:20:00.000-07:00

I'm... slipping.

The highway overpass, the self abuse, and the urges to just take something and drift away from everyone, everything.

And Tyler. I love that boy so much and I'm suddenly petrified that I'll lose him. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because... that thing.... the stupid nagging sentence I can never forget that says he, and every guy, will eventually leave me if I'm not good enough. And I've already been "not good enough" for a while, with not going to Zero and totally freaking out in front of him at Pizza Hut. God, and I kicked Zack. What a stupid little bitchy whore. And if he only knew about Friday.... Yeah. Right. Whatthefuckever. I ruin everything. He would have never said the things he did if he knew.

Anyways. I guess I've kinda been burying that and it just came to the surface. I'm actually in a fairly good mood. I've been with Gabby and Tyler a lot the past three days, and Warped Tour is coming up. Dakota is still being psycho ex but I can handle it. I really wish I had a job, because I'm in desperate need of money. As usual, My emotions are crazy and I can never tell where they're going. I don't know what's wrong with me. Zack is totally confusing me and I never seem to have enough time to see the people I want to see and do the things I want to do.... I love my parents a lot, but I suddenly can't wait to move out. I don't know why. And I'm getting fat.

I got my school schedule today... It's a pretty good schedule, but I'm still absolutely dreading going back to that hellhole.

G'night, blogspot.

2009-07-18T19:18:00.000-07:00

I got to see Kyrstin today! Yay! We went to Barnes&Noble. It was good. We're hanging out again sometime next week. (By the way, you have good boobs! I promise!) And I am now in love with the Post Secret book thing.

I get to go to Zero next week. XD SO excited! I love Tyler. :) Though I'm pissed because I just found out DJ Caffeine is playing there tonight, and I LOVE him, and I'm missing it. :( Whatever. I is happy.

2009-07-01T08:14:00.000-07:00

That's Kevin. He's fifteen adn in love with me. He's a really sweet kid, and he's better than Dane Cook at standup. I'm staying with him and going to the Bahamas with him and his family.

He's on his way to the Bahamas right now, while I'm not, because of what happened on the plane. I don't feel like retyping, so I'm copying it from a bulletin I posted on Myspace.

If you know me at all, you know that I have a huge phobia of needles. So I'm sitting quietly on the plane, reading a book about a girl that needs a heart transplant. Then they started talking about medical procedures and blood and needles. And I started to get dizzy. At first I thought I'd be fine, but then it got worse, and I felt like I was dying. So I got up to go to the bathroom and the flight attendant started thrieking about how I had to sit down. I got upset and started yelling back because I was feeling even worse. And when I faint, it's horrible Really, dreadfully, horrible. I sometimes have seizures. Anyway, the lady gives me a tiny useless puke bag and sends me back to my seat. But Katie, one of the people I'm with, starts saying how horrible I look, soo... The flight attendant calls off the fucking flight and makes the paramedics come get me. Yeah. Since I'm a minor, they wanted to take me to the hospital. But we somehow got out of that. I can't get another flight till 7 AM tommorow, so I have to wake up at 2 AM again. All of my clothes and belongings are currently on their way to Florida, then Freeport. And all of this happedned before 8:30 AM.

So, that's my day so far! I will hopefully be on my way the Bahamas at this time tomorrow. Without anymore medical incidents.

2009-06-28T11:24:00.000-07:00

Underwater is peaceful. It's quiet. Lines are blurred. Nothing is definite. You are surrounded, but not trapped. Motions are slowed. Everything is soft. There's no need to breathe. You just float as time stops. I love being underwater. I want to stay down in those cold, dark blankets of silence forever.

Last night was bad. I realized when logging on that I'd already wrote about it. I'm considering deleting that post but probably won't. I rarely delete anythign I write.

Today my head is killing me. I feel disconnect from the world and, oh yay, I'm going to a Fray concert tonight. I should be excited but I'm too tired. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. And I have to get up early tomorrow to get on a plane. At least I get to get away from this place for a while.

I'm slipping back to my old ways. I'm a slut, I'm an alcoholic, I'm a bitch. Dakota is going to his cousin's house this weekend because of me. He's getting high because of me.

Stephanie was right.

2009-06-27T22:25:00.000-07:00

I'm drunk. AS fuck. Woooo.

it;s not much fun. I kissed Tyler. Villa said it looked like I was mauling his face. I don;t doubt it., I hate myself. Like more than you know, oh dearest blog. God damn it. I'm so juvenile. I haven't learned anything. I'm the exact same as I was new years. God damn whore. Fuck it. I love this light feeling I have, like I could just float right up and away from my psycho alcoholic parents and all of their rules and away from all my nagging, goody-two-shoes friends. I'm writng, blog, because I hate it wehn people love me. Thats fucked up, right? That's what everyone keeps saying. I don;t hate it, I just can't stand the fact that they can control me with that love. It sucks.

I saw Luke tonight. WE used to be really close. I miss it,l

I saw Zack last night. He wrapped his hand aroung my waist. I didn;t stop him. WHORE. Whorewhorewhoer!

He wants to hook up again. Fuck. ANd I have a baby face.

And I saw Josh and Meagan. So awkward.

Whatever, it doesn;t matter.

Alex and I used to play pirates in his basement. And cowboys. And we wpuld dance around to that song about that blue guy that goes dabadee dabadi and sing. He's jewish. Now he;s a drug dealer. I took a drink from his cup at the destival tonight and it was straight yaeger. Or whatever. Yeah.

I miss it when everuthing was simple and we were all inocent. I can't wait til I move out. I;m an insensitive bitch.

I'm so, so sorry. I want to die.

2009-06-25T21:03:00.000-07:00

I broke up with Dakota last night. He's basically crushed, and I feel bad. But I'm not letting it get to me. I don't want to admit this, but words on paper (er, a computer screen) make it easier to confess. I feel like I'm turning into Cody. I came so close to saying "I have to do what's best for me". Ugh. I'm so pissed at myself for that. But whatever. That's life. I'm single and I'm moving on, not looking back. Fuck. Cody also said that. "The past stays dead." Wow. I am turning into him. Whatever. I'm in a good mood. Nothing shall ruin it.

My madre came home today! XD I was so excited. I'm glad she's back; everything is all out of whack when she's gone. The car ride to the airport to pick her up sucked, though. David and I got in an argument over a fricking picture on a quarter. And for the first time in a while, I really, really wanted to cut myself. I came to the realization last night that I cannot win with him. Ever. No matter what I do. I was upset because I wanted to stay later at the F.F. He said I had to be home at 8. I, apparently, slammed the door on the way out. He comes out and grabs me (which scared the shit out of me; I hate being touched) and starts yelling about my attitude. I told him I was sorry I had an attitude, I just wanted to stay later. I can't help that, I wasn't trying to be disrespectful. And here's what he says, after all that counseling and me telling them that I can never tell them stuff and how badly it's messed me up: "I don't want to see your damn emotions. Keep them to yourself. I don't care" Those three sentences made me almost, almost call my old dealer. I knew he'd be at the Friendship Fest, and I could forget about my asshole of a stepfather. But I didn't. I bit my tongue and numbed my brain and decided that all I had to do was survive three more years. Three more years and I was free of him. For the next three years, I will keep my room clean and do all my chores. I'll keep my grades up and not talk back. I'll bite my tongue when I'm sad, angry, frustrated, or any other emotion. I won't talk too much. If I become a robot, he'll be happy and leave me alone. Then I'm free. I cannot wait.

Sorry. Got a little off track. Anyways, my mom's home and I'm so happy. I love her a lot. But I can feel us distancing ourselves from each other. I think we're both preparing for when I go to the Bahamas, and later, college. But we're still our own little family. She's the only person that's stuck with me through everything, and I love her. We're a team. Us against the world. Always have been, always will be.

2009-06-24T08:18:00.000-07:00

I know I've been complaining a lot lately, but everything is just kind of suckish. David is KILLING me. I feel like a prisoner, literally. I'm not allowed to go to other people's houses, and if someone comes over they have to be gone by 7. And if he's home, he doesn't want anyone in the house. He wants to "spend time with me". But I just sit up in my room while he drinks and reads and my sister does whatever she wants to do. I have to babysit her every single day, and I'm not getting payed. If I ask to go anywhere I get yelled at. The only place he's let me go is to the park with Tyler and swimming with Savannah. The fact that he let me do either of those was surprising. But he only let me stay until 4 each time, so that I would be home in plenty of time to take care of Olivia after she got back from her day camp, which is on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Fridays. Thank god my mom is coming home tomorrow.

I just feel pathetic. I hate this control. I have issues with authority. I need the freedom to do what I want or I go crazy. And I know they're trying to be good parents, but I'm too far gone to accept their help. I've been surviving basically on my own since I was 7, although they don't know that.

And I'm being a bit unfair. My parents let me dress the way I want, be who I am, take the classes I want in school, choose my own career. They're good parents. We just have this huge wall between us that makes communication impossible. I don't even feel like a part of this family, and they're trying to jam me in. It makes me want to run away. They want their little girl back, but she was buried long ago.

And I'm taking out my frustrations on Olivia, which I don't want to do. I need to be supportive of her and love her. I can already see myself in her, and that terrifies me. What if she turns out the way I have? I know I'm just begining my life, but I've gotten off to a rough start. I don't want that to happen to her.

I don't know about anything. I going to finish this art project with Olivia, do the dishes, practice guitar, and then start packing for the Bahamas.

2009-06-22T19:52:00.000-07:00

I feel so very lost. I have now idea where i fit in, or who I fit in with.

Dakota and I have nothing in common and I'm going to break up with him. I just don't know how or when. And I'm scared. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to hate me.

Tyler, upon hearing the news I will most likely break up with Dakota, is being supportive yet pushy. He still likes me and I sometimes still like him, but I'm not going to date him. I'll ruin everything.

And a certain person is offering me an escape: A bottle of Captain and a dime if I come "hang out" with him. It's so wrong; it should be easy to resist, right? Um no. Sadly. I'm considering it. But I'm not going to do it. Because the only way I can tolerate "hanging out" is if I'm totally wasted, and I know I'll hate myself after.

Ugh. Whore. Fucking whore.

Everyone is a liar. Don't trust anyone fully, ever. They'll gut you alive and laugh about it.

Fuck this place.

2009-06-21T20:55:00.000-07:00

I'm still kinda out of it. I don't know what makes me like this. I'm crazy.

I need to break up with Dakota. I saw him today. It sucked. The only thing we did was make out and I hated it. I want to be single again. Zero commitment. I want to spend all my time at with Tyler, Villa, Kevin, and the long haired Jew. Everything is simple and fun when I'm with them. And while they can be total asses, at the same time I feel completely happy and accepted with them. I was with them this morning. We played frolf, went out to get chinese, and blasted techno music. And even though Tyler and I have.. um... slight sexual tension (cringe!), it's all good. And also, they're all completely no drugs, no alcohol. Except for maybe Villa. But whatever. That's good for me, I guess. At this moment, they are the only people I want to be with.

Tomorrow I'm going to the pit with Savannah. I love going out there. It ought to be fun. Tuesday, hanging with Gabby, Tyler, and Villa. Wednesday, first day of the Friendship Fest. Yay! That'll be fun. As long as I don't see Taylor or Morgan. Which I most likely will. Whatever. And my mom comes home Thursday. I can't wait.

I'm hoping a good night's sleep will bring me back to earth. G'night blogspot.

2009-06-20T21:35:00.000-07:00

I feel dead.

Apparently I'm pretty. Pretty enough to be a slut, anyway. Only I'm getting fat. I have weird eating habits. I'll go an entire day, or even several days, and eat nothing. And some days I binge myself into oblivion. I've been bulimic. I hate my body.

Sex is so much easier than relationships. I hate relationships. I hate romance. I don't think love, or romantic love anyways, is real. No way. Dakota's just fucking psychotic. "When we move in together...." Yeah, no. Screw that. But I don't want to hurt him.

God dammit what the hell is wrong with me? He texts me, more romantic bullshit, and I grin. I fucking smile at it! The logical, the hormonal, and the retarded loving part of my brain are having a war and it's hard to tell who's winning.

And I keep spoon feeding him lies. I'm a fatass lying fucked up whore.

I wish my mom was here.

Aubrey's engaged . She's 15. I want to strangle her but that would be inappropriate. I'm supposed to be all supportive, "yay-you're-getting-married-oh-my-god-its-so-romantic-yay-I-get-to-be-your-maid-of-honor-oh-yeah-your-dad-is-so-wrong-to-say-that-you're-to-young-blah-blah-blah". I'm sad. They don't even have a good relationship. And I don't want to see Aubrey or Logan get hurt.

Father's Day is tomorrow. I'm supposed to appreciate my dad. But he's currently being drunk and obnoxious. He's been getting drunk every single night for the past three weeks after five months of sobriety. I hate vodka yet at the same time I love it more than anything. I know it's happening but I won't admit it out loud.

I'm becoming an alcoholic.

Stephanie was right. I am just like her. Exactly. Two alcoholic whores, both had to grow up too quickly. We could be twins.

I'm too self-pitying.

A little E right now would be awesome. Downers are fucking evil. I have a dealer's number in my phone. I could call him, and he'd meet me at the park right now. I'd pay him and or maybe we'd go for a little trip together. Oh, I'm so tempted. But I won't. For Tyler. We've been getting close again and I don't want to ruin that.

I just thought of Dakota. I do love him. He's just been gone for a while and I don't do long distance well.

I found two baby bunnies that my cat tortured. I was taking care of them. My dad made me put them back. Poor bunnies. I'm sure they're dead. Their eyes were still closed and their umbilical cords were still attached.

I'm so fat. I should start running again. And cut back on binging days. Or try.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep. I can't control my emotions. I was so happy earlier today with Gabby when we were swimming. Now I want David to storm in my room and punch me in the face so I can run away and start my existence over.

I'm going to draw.

I went swimming today. I got really tan. I hate my tan lines.

I don't even remember typing that. ^^^ My brain is getting really messed up.

I have to go to church and clean the house tomorrow. I might go to the pit monday. I really hope I can. And I hope Dakota can come. I miss my mom.

I'm going swimming. No. I meant to type walking. I'm going for a god damn walk. Fuck.

2009-06-16T06:44:00.001-07:00

My mom's gone off to California for ten days to take care of my grandma after her knee surgery, which means I'm stuck in the clutches of David. He's really not that bad. We're just not compatable. I have to cook and clean and take care of my sister 24/7, except when she's at day camp. I don't want to complain, but it's draining. And I really miss my mom. =/

2009-06-13T08:15:00.000-07:00

My family is broke. I'm probably going to BB next year. I really don't care where I go to school. The only downside to leaving Mac would be I'd never see Dakota anymore....

I'm going to the Bahamas soon. But I can't seem to get myself excited over it. I feel disconnected from everything.

Dakota's gone off to Canada, I'm not sure when he's coming back.

I hung out with Tyler Porter and Tyler Villareal (or however you spell that) yesterday. We played disc golf at Riverfront Park, then Tyler P. and I got icecream. Yum. It was fun; Tyler V. lost his shoe in the ravine. Ha. I laughed.

I'm watching my little sister right now. She's banging away at the piano. I should reallt clean my room. It's very messy.

Oh, and Brooke called last night. Her girlfriend hung herself. When she's depressed, I'm depressed. I feel really bad for her. That girl has had such a hard life; she's considering coming to live with us again. I kind of hope she does. But I doubt her dad will let her. So unless he loses custody (again), she's stuck down there. Poor Brooke. I miss her.

Well. There ya go. An update on my life.

Kyrstin,

2009-06-05T00:46:00.000-07:00

I love you. You're an amazing person. I know we're not very close, but I would like to become closer, only sometimes I just shut myself up in this little hole because I don't have the capacity to handle other people. I'm really a very shitty friend. But I' sorry you've been feeling closed off and alone, I should be there for you more.

2009-06-05T00:19:00.001-07:00

I am a very, very sick person. Tonight was one of the worst nights of my life. I woke up a little bit ago at my toliet, gagging myself with a tooth brush to make myself throw up the empty carton of cookies next to me. There was also a bottle of pain killers next to me, but I don't think I took them. I was shaking like hell. I couldn't stop. And I kept, like, screaming silently. Then I noticed there was blood everywhere and I got really, really scrared. Scared beyond belief. I thought I'd cut myself again, which is currently the number one thing I don't wnat to do right now. But, thank god, I realized I'd only started my period.

The worst part, however, was the dream itself. I was so, so, so cold. I can't even explain it. I've never gone through drug withdrawls, but I imagine what I just went through is similar. I really do get too sucked into books. I was hallucinating like i was on acidd, adn then I was wandering the streets of some dingy town. (I just read Go Ask Alice today). But then something worse happened. I was semiawake... I don't want to talk about this because it makes me sound completely crazy but I only know of two people who read my blog anyway and I already called them for support. As expected, no one answered. Because it's two in the fucking morning. So.. Here's what happened. I don't know how to explain. It's like, I was in this parking lot surrounded by trees. It looked a lot like perry farm. Only I knew it was someplace in my head. And then I saw two people in front of me, but they were me. Only one was a boy and one was a girl. Their names were Mike and Desiree. The were fighting for control over me. Like, me who I am, my brain, my personality. They wanted me to go to sleep and let them become me. I started crying and shaking and babbling nonsense and then I sat up and they were next to me by the toliet. Desiree was telling me to just let her take over and everything would be fine. Mike was whispering horrible things somewhere far away. I wanted to let her take control, because I was so cold, but something made me stop. I don't know what it was but suddenly I was wide awake and sobbing nad shaking and I started calling people. But I can still see Desiree and Mike and I'm god damn mother fucking crazy and I don't know what to do.

Meh.

2009-05-30T22:41:00.000-07:00

I camped out in a tent with my little sister last night. It was fun. But she's a kicker... I was awake half the night. Haha. Plus it was cold. But I got smores! X]

I also saw Night At The Museum Battle of the Smithsonian today. I was fun. I got popcorn. Mmm.

Oh, oh, yay! Kyrstin and I are hanging out Thursday. XD I'm excited.

I guess the biggest reason I'm writing right now is because I read this thing on deviantart and I can really relate. I've been going through something not-so-good, and it was a trigger... But I' not going to hurt myself anymore. No way. But I feel sick, my stomach is cramping up and there is a pounding on the inside of my head... And the worst feeling.... The rushing, tingling feeling in my wrists that makes me go insane... It's there. I haven't felt it in a while. I was hoping to never feel it again. Fuck.

Dinosaurs.

2009-05-28T19:32:00.000-07:00

Four more days of freshman-ness and then I'm free! I'm so happy. I just want to get out of that place, it's driving me insane. Tomorrow, and then three days of finals. Oh, yeah, Aubrey's not going to Mac next year. Oh joy. I really need more girl friends. >.<

My mother is putting be on birth control. It's probably a good thing, because.. well yeah. Don't feel like going into that. But Dakota and I talked and things are different now... Better. It's complicated. And who knows, tomorrow it might be worse. I'm so weird with relationships. One day I totally love the person, the next I can't stand to be around them. There's never an in between with any of my emotions. Grr.

I'm proud of myself. A certain person called me last night with an offer to get wasted this weekend and I turned them down. Yay Alex. Good girl. Control your alcoholic tendencies.

Well, I should go study my algebra packet thing so I don't fail. Woo. Peace and love peoples.

My Brain's Weird.

2009-05-25T18:37:00.000-07:00

Yeah. I'm on the verge of breaking up with Dakota. Want to know why? Because he treats me well. And I can't stand it. There's this little voice in my head that is screaming, "Screw me and leave already! God! Stop saying you love me!" And I don't even know why. It's so stressful. I can't handle normal relationships with people.

This one is going to be long

2009-05-20T19:58:00.000-07:00

On tuesday, Dakota and I hung out after school. He couldn't find a ride home until like four thirty, and I needed help in math, so we went back to my house. We were up in my room factoring trinomials when we got.. "distracted". Anyways, he's amazed me once again. I am so used to guys threatening me, sweet-talking me, blackmailing me, or just plain forcing me to have sex that after everything that's happened, I just don't care. They can do whatever they want with me. But Dakota doesn't do that to me. We've been dating for over a month and I haven't done anything with him really, except for kiss. (All of that sounds really whore-ish, and it is. I'm a fucking whore, I know.) And Tuesday, we started to go farther and he stopped me. He said he wanted to take things slow with me. According to him, I looked at him like "he'd just told me his mother was a goat". Honestly, his morals and the way he treats me are really foreign. It sometimes makes me anxious because I'm so out of my element. I don't know. He's just... nice. And it's weird. To me.

Also Tuesday, I finally got to see Kyrstin in person. :D Yay! And I got to see Tommy for the first time in forever. I had fun, but then I had to go home early. Bleh. Oh well. We were shooting at Perry Farm. The pictures turned out cool, I think. =]

Tuesday, again, my parents got into a fight. They were yelling really loudly. As usual, I grabbed my sister and we retreated to my room. I put on loud music so she couldn't hear and gave her all my art supplies to draw with. They were fighting about money. I remember when I was little and I would hear them fight about it, it would terrify me. I thought we were going to lose our house and everything we owned. I actually went through a period were I refused to eat because I thought that we could save money on food that way. I would hate for that to happen to Olivia. When my mom started yelling at my dad about how they're never there for each other and how she should just take me and my sister and leave, I got furious. She was hurting him. She was hurting my sister. I know she has to get her emotions out, but.. That just really upset me. I kind of wonder if it's my fault. She's been talking like that a lot since November. I contacted my real dad in October. They email or talk on the phone every single day. I get a short email from him once a month, if I'm lucky. If I split my sister's family up, I will hate myself forever. I love her so much and I never want to hurt her...

And tonight I realized that after five months of sobriety, they've both started drinking again. I hate it when my parents are drunk. They both have alcoholism in their families, too. My mom gets really loud and annoying and has a "fuck everything" attitude when drunk, while my dad likes everyone but me. He alwasys picks on me when he's drunk. I was actually quite relieved when they stopped drinking because their attitudes were better and, as bad as this may sound, there was no more alcohol in the house to tempt me.

I had a long talk with my dad tonight. It was sort of nice. It all started with how I don't like Romeo and Juliet. Then we started talking about love. I don't believe in love at first sight, he does. Then we were talking about sex and he said that I should save myself for the perfect person, my "true love", because then it'll be more special. If only he knew. I almost cried at the fact that this sweet conversation was all a waste of breath. Then he apologized for fighting with my mom last night. I said it was okay, it happens. Then he started saying how he keeps asking God if He loves him. I said of course he does. My dad said he knew that, but that it was hard to believe sometimes. He said he and my mom were tortured souls, and that's why they were together. I knowthey both are. David lost both of his parents at 17 and had a very rought life. My mom took care of five younger brothers and sisters, got raped, lived in poverty, did drugs, and had many abusive relationships before she got pregnant with me and finally turned her life around. He then said that I was lucky because nothing bad has ever happened to me. That was one of the few times I ever wish I talked to my parents about my life. If they only knew... Whatever.

On a lighter note, we got our Explore tests back today, which is an aptitude test along with an assesment on english, math, and science skills. My composite score was a 22 out of 25. I scored at 98% out of my class. There are about 100 kids in the freshman class. Yay! I feel smart. I really need to work on the math department, though. I hate it so much... Gah. I just have to try. Also, for career choices, the thing said I should be a photographer, an artist, an interior designer, or some scientific stuff I didn't pay attention to. It's odd, because I want to become a writer. They said that requires more people skills though. I don't know how. 0_o

Ah! :D

2009-05-17T19:39:00.000-07:00

I'm so happy right now. I don't even know why. Well, I sort of do.. Tehe.

"just wanted to let u know that i love you so much and you're the greatest thing to ever happen to me. You are just so beautiful... i don't know what id do without you... you are so amazing... i dont know how i got so lucky to have a person like you in my life. just whenever i'm around you you make me so happy. Even when im in the worst of moods, i cant help but smile when im around you... I love you Alex...
Love you♥,
Dakota "

I have the best boyfriend in the world. I love him so much. He's so sweet and he always makes me smile... And he's not like the other guys I've dated... He doesn't use me. I really hope I'm not being stupid here, but I don't think I am. This feels right. I'm comfortable around him. I'm happy around him. I don't feel like I'm doing something wrong when I'm with him, or like I have to earn his affection. We were alone in his house for an hour, and he didn't try anything. He actually told me he wants to take things slowly. That's a really huge deal for me. I've told him things, personal things, and he hasn't tried to use them against me. He either calls me or texts me every morning to say good morning, and he sticks up for me all the time. I don't know... He's just the nicest guy I've ever dated. I'm so happy. X]

Anyways, the reason I haven't posted in a while is beause I've been in Quincy since Thursday. It was pretty fun, except for the people I was staying with pretty much lived on meat and bread. Bleck. I'm a vegeterian and a huge fruit person. I eat, no joke, about four apples a day. And sometimes that's it. So I basically just starved myself down there, aside from the occasional PB&J or bowl of cereal. I felt kind of sick. But I ate two apples today when I got home and I feel much better. I know I'm a freak. XP

Oh, and I GOT A BLACKLIGHT AND A STROBE LIGHT! XD I'm so excited. I luff them! There all like techno light rave partyish. Now i just need to figure out exactly where to put them... Hmm.

Also, I want to buy Dakota tickets to a Blink-182 concert. They are his absolute favorite band. Problem is, the cheapest good tickets I've found are like 100 dollars each. Bleh... >_< class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Yay.

One last thing. Kyrstin and I are becoming bestest friends and we're going to have a movie night and watch Speak and The Uninvited and stuff together! :D

Blah.

2009-05-13T18:09:00.001-07:00

I'm actually in a fairly good mood. I wasn't earlier, however.

My friend Aubrey and my boyfriend Dakota just cannot get along. They both want to make it work for my sake, and I appreciate that. But it doesn't. Aubrey is extremely sensitive and easily annoyed, and Dakota is extremely blunt and, according to Aubrey, very annoying. Their personalities just aren't a good combination. I hate their fighting, it stresses me out. So now Dakota's not going to sit at our table at lunch, and Aubrey feels bad. But Dakota doesn't want her to yell at him anymore and Aubrey wants nothing to do with him because "he's such an ass". It's just a frustrating situation.

Anyways, I can't stay on long. I have to do my homework, call Dakota, and I want to practice my guitar a little.

Andandand, Kyrstin, I do trust you and I do want to be your friend!

Fuck. Just fucking great. Aubrey just texted me: "I am never talking to Dakota again, and unless you start noticing what a fucking asshole he is to me and standing up for me, I won't talk to you either."

FUCK! I hate high school. I hate relationships with immature people. Shoot. Me. Now.

... Sorry ...

My thoughts are all jumbled...

2009-05-12T18:57:00.000-07:00

Today, at the dinner table, my mom randomly started yelling at me about how my grades suck and if I don't get at least a B average next year, there will be "serious consequences". I know that right now, my grades are way below what I'm capable of. I also realize that maintaining a B average would be a piece of cake (sorry for the cliche). I just can't stop despising school. It makes me anxious and I get headaches when I'm there. I never get headaches. And when I go to do homework, I get easily distracted and I feel really tense. I don't even know what I hate about school.... Maybe it's the feeling of being controlled. Teachers telling what to do all the day, having to go by their schedules. I know I have issues with being controlled. I freak out. I can't stand it. I don't even know why. God. I have so many weird habits and behaviors and phobias engraved in my mind. I don't know where they came from. Lie; I do. But I'm not willing to admit that.

Anyways, I hung out with Dakota. We walked to the gas station with three other boys. Max, the kid who was supposed to fight today, used the five finger discount to get a can of Nos and some crackers. Then we went to one of the boy's house, where the fight was supposed to be. The kid who was supposed to fight Max did not show. We all sat around there for a while. The three other boys told Dakota and me to go have sex in the bedroom. We didn't. Then we walked to C.R. because Max wanted to see if he could get any weed for two bucks. He couldn't. Dakota and I ended up walking back to my house and I made chocolate milkshakes and popcorn. Then he had to go to baseball practice. I've basically just been doing homework since. I'm bored and I have a bunch of random thoughts going through my mind. I'd really just love to leave this town with a couple of my friends for awhile. Go out to the condo, not worry about anything, have lazy, sunny days and crazy, unforgettable nights.

I wish I had a best friend who wasn't going to end up controlling me. Fucking Sara. She screwed me up so badly. Stupid Sara's dad... $%#@! If he was even the one who did it..

This is a messed up place to be. There's a lot of good, and a lot of bad. I don't know what to make of it. Sorry, for ranting once again....

Eh. I'm in a weird mood.

2009-05-11T18:36:00.000-07:00

Today was decent. I got to see Dakota. =] That's almost the only reason school is tolerable. In Christian Sexuality, however, (shudder) Mrs. Bovie was bluntly staring at me the WHOLE time. We were talking about sexual assault. She still wants me to press charges against Travis for what happened on New Years Eve, but it's not like she thinks it is. If only Aubrey didn't have such a big mouth that likes to stretch the truth. I can't trust her with anything. Gah. Whatever, it's nothing new.

Sorry for my ramble.... I'm just annoyed. I have cramps and I'm grouchy. PlusI have a ton of homework that I still haven't done. Okay, my minute of pessimism is over.

Tomorrow will be fun. I'm hanging out with Dakota after school; I'm surprised my parents are actually letting me. We're going to walk around until his baseball practice at 5. We're going to a fight at "The Spot", where ever the hell that is. This kid named Max, who (not exagerating) every kid in school despises, is fighting a kid named Ryan. I'm not really the type of person who likes violence, but... I don't know. I'm going anyways. If I get uncomfortable I'll just leave. Everyone expects Max to get beaten senseless. Actually, everyone expects Max to chicken out and either make an excuse not to fight or not show up at all. No matter what, it has been universally decided that the boys in my school are fed up with his dickish behavior and are going to jump him no matter what, first chance they get.

Honestly it makes me sad. The world has too much hate. I only tolerate it because, well... If I didn't, I'd go insane. I'd kill myself. There's good in the world, I know, but I've seen so much of the negative... It can be hard to focus on the postive things in the universe. Not only do I notice, I absorb it. I let it affect me. It eats away at my insides and makes me cry while I lay in bed at night. Either I'm overly sensitive to it, which makes me absolutely crazy. Or I have to be completely indifferent. Then I'm called an insensitive cold bitch. It's hard to find middle ground. I feel bad for complaining so much. It's just hard to deal with. It hurts, taking on the negative emotions in the world. I cry. And I hate it.

Sorry, again, for my complaining and pessimism. I just... I don't really know. I'm glad I have Dakota. He's such an optimist, and he's such an amazing person... He keeps me sane and helps me see the good in human beings.

Hello.

2009-05-10T18:07:00.000-07:00

So, I kind of sort of suck at writing a journal-type thing. Most of the important stuff I'll write in here will probably be modified from reality because I suck at opening up. Especially knowing people might read this. So, I'll try to be open and honest. It will hopefully be very therapeutic. ^_^

On a different note, I'm currently on thee phone with Dakota. He just said he'd rather have his girlfriend (me) stab him to death than die of a brain tumor. Then he wants me to make it into a movie. Yeah. He's strange. Oh, and he just told me he's going to rape me tonight so no one else can. Then he gave me a description of what he'll do to anyone who does rape me. It's much too graphic for this journal. Hehe.

Gah! Last night, I went to Believers Never Die Part Deux. It was amazing! I couldn't hear or talk afterwards. I got to see All Time Low. Best band ever! Alex Gaskarth, the only man I want to marry besides Dakota, Craig Mabbit, and Pete Wentz, screamed that he wanted to rub his dick all over the entire audience. Psheah. I love him. I got an ATL shirt with dancing fruit and a tour shirt andandand an ATL poster! Yay! Plus the music was fucking sick. There were flame shooters in the background! And Fall Out Boy was there. Pete Wentz is a god! Blah. I don't know. It was indescribably awesome. And I got pizza after! Yay!

Dakota just sang me a love song. Aw. I love him... =]