Tuesday, August 24, 2010

So, I had this emotional break down all by myself on some twenty-three year old's front porch in the middle of the night.
The result is that I'm completely done with drugs. Seriously. It doesn't mean I won't still want them sometimes, but I refuse to do them. I won't drink or smoke, either. Ever. At all. Period.

Posted by Alex at 6:21 PM

Friday, August 13, 2010

So much...
I am desperately groping for someone who sees things like I do. And the one person I've grabbed on to... I don't think they're it. I saw what I wanted to see. Again. I hate feeling this ravenous hope, and then being crushed. No one seems to get it. I mean, I know there's no one exactly like me out there. If there is, it would probably be disastrous if we met. But.. I mean, mom my gets it. But there's no way I can tell my mom everything. And it's different. My mom gets it, and I have friends who kinda get it. It's just... I want a lover who gets it. Completely. I want someone who can hold me and tell me everything will be okay, and I can believe them. Because Dakota... I've tried to make him get it. He just doesn't. At all. And I can't explain it to him. It's so frustrating.
And, I feel like a fucking addict. I want pills. Constantly. I get my phone out to text my dealer ten times a day.. but I don't. I did last week when I found out about my mom. I couldn't help it. I was freaking out and no one was helping me at all. All they did was repeat, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." And I know that they probably didn't know how to react, but still. I needed something... It was stupid but I needed it. Or wanted it. Both. I don't fucking know. And then I told Dakota for some idiotic reason. I don't know why. Maybe it was just to see how he'd react. He cried, and I want to say that I felt horrible, but I didn't. I'm really ashamed of that. I apologized over and over again, but all he said was that it was his fault because he wasn't there for me. Which isn't true at all. So I promised him I wouldn't do it again, but I knew as the words came out of my mouth that I didn't mean it. I never mean it. The promises, somehow, mean nothing to me. I know it's horrible but there it is. It's the truth.
So what the hell is holding me back? I don't feel guilt before, during, or after I take pills. I don't feel guilt when I lie. I don't feel guilt when people find out and cry and yell and beg me to stop. I hide it, but I don't know why. Just to avoid the trouble, I guess. To avoid interference. I don't want to end up like my mom. But it doesn't stop me. And I hate admitting this, but every time I see someone doing drugs, or drinking, or cutting... like when I watched The Runaways, or when I read Tweak... I want to do it too. So badly. They can describe how badly it messed them up, and they can condemn it, but it just makes me want to do it more.
I want to fucking slice myself open and take pills until I pass out! And there is no fucking reason for it! I don't get it. I just want to. I don't get why I feel depressed and then happy and depressed like a god damn roller coaster, it's just how I am. And I don't get why I can be perfectly content and yet dying to get high at the same time. I don't get any of it. And he doesn't get that I can be depressed without any "good" reason. I just am, okay? God fucking damn it. I hate this.
And, random, but I don't even know who the hell I am anymore. I never did. I used to think I did, but now... I don't know. I have my principles and other people don't effect them too much. But I've started looking at myself, and I used to think I was a good person. Now I don't know. Would I good person take pills and hurt their family and feel nothing? Would a good person feel so much anger towards a puppy just for being a puppy and biting and not listening? Would a good person act like I do? No....
I'm not making sense. Again.
I hate this.

Posted by Alex at 6:48 PM

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I miss him. That's the sad pathetic truth. I miss all of them. It was fine when Dakota was around, but I never see him anymore. And I feel like I need to cut and run before he can hurt me any further. I think. I don't know... There's so much going on, I can't even tell what's wrong. I want to hide. I want to hide in books and music and drugs. God I want drugs, so badly. I hate being sober. I think too much. I want to just ignore the world, break away for a while... But I can't. I have to take care of my mom and my sister. And... I want to be with my friends. I do. I just don't want to think about anything. Fuck it, I'm not making any sense.

Posted by Alex at 7:13 PM

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

So today..
I woke up in a fairly good mood. I was in a good mood until about twelve. Then the shit hit the fan and I wanted to curl up and die.
Way back story: One day in early April this year, I was walking at Perry Farm and I was extremely upset. Zack found me and basically, he talked me in to doing things there... Someone called the cops and we were arrested for public indecency. It was horrible and I'm extremely ashamed. I hate talking about it. I never wanted anyone to know. I made Zack swear he wouldn't tell anyone, and he actually seemed genuine when he said he wouldn't. Fucking liar..
More recent back story: Zack he been dating Dakota's ex-girlfriend. They're really close though... They're best friends. He's very protective of her. Apparently, Zack cheated on her.
What Dakota knew: He knew that I'm not a virgin and the number of guys. He didn't know Zack was one of them, or that we got arrested. Also, Dakota hates Zack.
Today: Zack and Dakota were fighting about Dakota's ex, so Zack decided to say, "Yeah, well guess what. I fucked your girlfriend." Then he proceded to tell about how we got arrested and some other nasty details...

Here's what happened when I confronted him:

Me
I don't want to bitch at you, but I would really love to know why you decided it would be alright to do what you did.

Zack
i didnt do anything its nothing but rumors!!

Me
I'm talking about you telling Dakota about what happened between us. That was a horrible experience for me. I was really trusting you not to tell anyone. Why did you?

Zack
he is trying to talk shit saying he fucked my girlfriend before anyone no thats not going to happen so he had to feel the same pain

Me
Yeah, but I didn't. I wasn't involved in the situation at all. You hurt me more than anyone, not that I think you would care.

Zack
yeah im just the worst fucking guy in the world everyone fucking hate me woot woot

Me
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I don't want to upset you. I just.. I don't know. It hurt, you know? I wanted to know why you did it.You don't have to tell me, but I am curious, and I won't tell anyone. Did you cheat on her, honestly?

Zack
no i honestly didnt.

Me
Alright. But please, in the future, can you just keep your mouth shut about me? I've never done anything to you. I would really appreciate it if you'd leave me out of things.

Zack
well ive never done anything to your so called boyfriend so tell him to leave me outta things as well

Me
He thinks you hurt his best friend. Just saying. But okay.

Zack
if i hurt her she wouldnt have been with me the reason me and her are pretty much over is cuz she got arrested when i told her i didnt want her hanging with guys that night and she went ahead went wiith the guys then got arrested

Me
Alright.

I need to get a backbone...
Anyway, Dakota and I talked it over and we actaully ended up having an emotional yet good day together. He wants to beat the shit out of Zack, but he doesn't think any less of me, which is what I was afraid of. The situation still sucks but it's better.. And Dakota and I are much closer now. So, it wasn't all bad.

Posted by Alex at 11:45 PM

Friday, July 16, 2010

Last night, Dakota and I slept together for the first time. Neither of us were expecting it to happen. We went camping with Gabby and Dan. It was a lot of fun. We set the two tents up kind of far apart. When we got tired enough, Gabby and Dan took one tent and Dakota and I took the other. We made out and did other things.. then afterwards we just laid there together. For some reason I started crying. I told him a lot of stuff and he was great about it. He loves when I tell him things, apparently. He comforted me and I felt a lot better. We were just laying there, then, and he was rubbing my stomach, half awake. There was something very sweet and romantic about it. Suddenly, I was just overwhelmed with desire. I needed to be with him, to be a part of him. I knew I was ready. So I turned to him and told him that I wanted him, all of him, and I asked him if he wanted to. He said yes and asked me if I was sure. I told him I was and then... It was amazing. It was so different from how sex usually is for me. I felt safe and comfortable and in control. And the whole time, I felt loved. Not used. Loved. It was so great. He just held me after and told me he loved me. Once we recovered we were fully awake so we went outside and walked around and looked at the stars. It was sweet and not awkward at all. We acted just like we normally act. It was an amazing night.
I must admit, I am a little anxious about two things:
1) We didn't use a condom. I'm on birth control and we know, for a fact, that we're both clean. I don't think I'll get pregnant, but... it's just still a little scary.
2) I was planning on waiting longer than I did. It hasn't even been two months. I'm a little mad at myself for not waiting, but I'm happy with my decision. I'm glad I did it.
I feel a lot closer to him. I'm really content. There's no underlying anxiety about this. I'm just happy.
I love him.

Posted by Alex at 10:40 PM

Monday, June 28, 2010

I took a personality test. This was the result.

INFP
creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, prone to quitting, prone to feelings of loneliness, ambivalent of the rules, solitary, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, focus on fantasies, acts without planning, low self confidence, emotionally moody, can feel defective, prone to lateness, likes esoteric things, wounded at the core, feels shame, frequently losing things, prone to sadness, prone to dreaming about a rescuer, disorderly, observer, easily distracted, does not like crowds, can act without thinking, private, can feel uncomfortable around others, familiar with the darkside, hermit, more likely to support marijuana legalization, can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can't control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic

Hmmm.
Interesting.

(I'm feeling better today, by the way.)

Posted by Alex at 9:49 AM

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Oh god, what's wrong with me??

Posted by Alex at 8:35 PM