Sunday, December 20, 2009
I'm on overload.
- Gaston ODed.
- Maggie's dead. And I'm a cold bitch.
- I really really want to cut myself but I can't.
- My sister... god. My sister.
- The fucking sideview mirror.
- That long car ride.. Jesus.
- I feel fat, which should not be a big issuse, but it is.
- Most of my friends, who do not understand anything whatsoever.
- David just doesn't get it.
- My aunt Natalie and the kids.
- The potential of Gabby and Alex S., whether it's good or bad.
- And I just feel really depressed.
I want to stop feeling.
Posted by Alex at 5:53 PM
Friday, December 4, 2009
I am trying desperately to understand when it stopped. Or started. Whichever it is. When did I start hating myself like this? When did I lose my innocence? I cannot remember a time when I loved the face in the mirror or did not think that men were selfish and cruel and controlling... And the sex. I cannot remember a time when I didn't know what sex was, when I didn't think the demented way I do about sex, or when I didn't think that all men ever wanted was sex and a mother. My parents have told me that. It's wrong... But it's my life. I know that there must have been a time when I loved myself, was innocent, etc.... I just burst into tears looking at a photo of myself when I was one. Maybe I'm being over-dramatic, but even in that picture I look too serious. I must have been innocent then. One is not born polluted, are they?I don't know, I don't know.... I wish I could love myself. I wish I wasn't stuck in this head of mine, where there is so much screaming all the time.
Posted by Alex at 8:08 PM