Tuesday, August 24, 2010

So, I had this emotional break down all by myself on some twenty-three year old's front porch in the middle of the night.
The result is that I'm completely done with drugs. Seriously. It doesn't mean I won't still want them sometimes, but I refuse to do them. I won't drink or smoke, either. Ever. At all. Period.

Posted by Alex at 6:21 PM

Friday, August 13, 2010

So much...
I am desperately groping for someone who sees things like I do. And the one person I've grabbed on to... I don't think they're it. I saw what I wanted to see. Again. I hate feeling this ravenous hope, and then being crushed. No one seems to get it. I mean, I know there's no one exactly like me out there. If there is, it would probably be disastrous if we met. But.. I mean, mom my gets it. But there's no way I can tell my mom everything. And it's different. My mom gets it, and I have friends who kinda get it. It's just... I want a lover who gets it. Completely. I want someone who can hold me and tell me everything will be okay, and I can believe them. Because Dakota... I've tried to make him get it. He just doesn't. At all. And I can't explain it to him. It's so frustrating.
And, I feel like a fucking addict. I want pills. Constantly. I get my phone out to text my dealer ten times a day.. but I don't. I did last week when I found out about my mom. I couldn't help it. I was freaking out and no one was helping me at all. All they did was repeat, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." And I know that they probably didn't know how to react, but still. I needed something... It was stupid but I needed it. Or wanted it. Both. I don't fucking know. And then I told Dakota for some idiotic reason. I don't know why. Maybe it was just to see how he'd react. He cried, and I want to say that I felt horrible, but I didn't. I'm really ashamed of that. I apologized over and over again, but all he said was that it was his fault because he wasn't there for me. Which isn't true at all. So I promised him I wouldn't do it again, but I knew as the words came out of my mouth that I didn't mean it. I never mean it. The promises, somehow, mean nothing to me. I know it's horrible but there it is. It's the truth.
So what the hell is holding me back? I don't feel guilt before, during, or after I take pills. I don't feel guilt when I lie. I don't feel guilt when people find out and cry and yell and beg me to stop. I hide it, but I don't know why. Just to avoid the trouble, I guess. To avoid interference. I don't want to end up like my mom. But it doesn't stop me. And I hate admitting this, but every time I see someone doing drugs, or drinking, or cutting... like when I watched The Runaways, or when I read Tweak... I want to do it too. So badly. They can describe how badly it messed them up, and they can condemn it, but it just makes me want to do it more.
I want to fucking slice myself open and take pills until I pass out! And there is no fucking reason for it! I don't get it. I just want to. I don't get why I feel depressed and then happy and depressed like a god damn roller coaster, it's just how I am. And I don't get why I can be perfectly content and yet dying to get high at the same time. I don't get any of it. And he doesn't get that I can be depressed without any "good" reason. I just am, okay? God fucking damn it. I hate this.
And, random, but I don't even know who the hell I am anymore. I never did. I used to think I did, but now... I don't know. I have my principles and other people don't effect them too much. But I've started looking at myself, and I used to think I was a good person. Now I don't know. Would I good person take pills and hurt their family and feel nothing? Would a good person feel so much anger towards a puppy just for being a puppy and biting and not listening? Would a good person act like I do? No....
I'm not making sense. Again.
I hate this.

Posted by Alex at 6:48 PM

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I miss him. That's the sad pathetic truth. I miss all of them. It was fine when Dakota was around, but I never see him anymore. And I feel like I need to cut and run before he can hurt me any further. I think. I don't know... There's so much going on, I can't even tell what's wrong. I want to hide. I want to hide in books and music and drugs. God I want drugs, so badly. I hate being sober. I think too much. I want to just ignore the world, break away for a while... But I can't. I have to take care of my mom and my sister. And... I want to be with my friends. I do. I just don't want to think about anything. Fuck it, I'm not making any sense.

Posted by Alex at 7:13 PM