Wednesday, September 30, 2009

When I get upset, this is how I feel: There is a crowd of screaming people, a riot, rushing through my veins. They gather in my wrists and pulse there and they refuse to shut up. And I want to cut them out. Oh, god, I want to just tear my skin off. It feels filthy. When I'm upset, I don't want to eat. I don't deserve to eat. I feel ugly. Stupid. But most of all, worthless.

Today has been a bad day. Not bad in the sense that bad things happened... More so, I just feel like crap. And then things kept piling up. But the things that keep floating back into my mind.. it makes me feel like poison is being shot through my veins. He was holding hands with her, and kissing her gently, and I was thinking back to New Years... And it's just not right. I've seen them together before, but today it just seemed especially bad. I hate myself for the fact that I looked at her body, and I saw it was fat. And I was happy about it. I hate that I made myself throw up because I want to stay thinner than her, because that's one thing I have on her. I wonder if she was ever a whore. I wonder if she ever did the things I did. I wonder if he loves her, and what makes her so different.

And I have no one to talk to. I know, right, what's new, Alex? You always say that... Stupid closed-off bitch.

And my parents are always saying how lucky I am to have parents I can talk to. Yeah fucking right. Everytime they say that my mind screams, You let me get fucking raped and molested! Numerous times! How the fuck are you good parents?

But I know I'm wrong.

Posted by Alex at 6:41 PM

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Ahhhhaha.. Ah!
Alex has a crush. XD

Posted by Alex at 7:41 PM

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

(Warning: This will be an extremely random rambling entry.)
He's such a liar. It makes me laugh. I'm really quite impressed with his system; he's not stupid. Except he can't figure in the gossip of the other girls and their friends. I would ask him the question, but three things are holding me back. A) He would lie. B) I would have to answer the same question. C) I'm kind of not sure if I want to know.
I like him. Not the same him as above. But he's in another state and he's older and I love his soul. I really hope he can work everything out and when he comes back... When he comes back I will be in his life and he'll be in mine and everything will be happy and movie-like. We'll smile and laugh and fish and sit in cheap lawn chairs in the backyard and drink root beer because we're staying sober together. And I'll help him with school, and he'll help me with relaxing. It would be so good.
Ugh. Fuckfufckfuck. Stupid people. I love Villa. I love him, I love him. I love Tyler. He's amazing. Yet at the same time they're both awful.
I stabbed myself with a pen today because I got a question worng on a Spanish vocab test.
I'm fat.
And actually, I'm still quite happy. Very happy. I just need to get this damn stuff out of my head before I go crazy with it. Once it's out, I'm done with it. And everything is better.
I'm going to Homecoming now. I got my dress today. I love it. It makes me feel very pretty.
I'm going to see Backseat Goodbye on the 18th. Yay.
I'm tired and I need to practice my guitar more because I really, really, really want to learn to play. But I never seem to have time or motivation enough to do it. Grr. I should do it right now. I think I might.
I wish I could fall in love. No, I don't. Not yet. But I do want to eventually. I looks so wonderous.

Goodnight.

Posted by Alex at 7:17 PM

Sunday, September 20, 2009

I'm in the middle of doing an online geometery test for extra credit. Fun fun.
I'm happy. Very happy. Life's been awesome lately, though I'm not sure why. I love it.

Posted by Alex at 7:17 PM

Friday, September 18, 2009

"Who's class ring is this?"
"Um."
"Zack's? Why do you have Zack's class ring?"
"He left it here."
"When was he here?"
"A while ago."
No one else will understand the signifigance of that conversation.

Today was a fairly good day. I give no fucks about the world. (:
Rawr. Shit. Sex. Alcohol. Drugs. Yay.

Posted by Alex at 8:55 PM

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Whorewhorewhorewhorewhore.
Everything today was fucking awesome. I was just about to post about how happy I am. Was.
Then that. Just now.
Yeah, well FUCK YOU.
I don't even know what to say.
Maybe I should have taken that girl's damn offer. Maybe I should have told her yeah, I do do drugs, yeah I do want the dealer's number, yeah I want to come with you this weekend, yeah I want to go to the after party, yes yes yes, I am a fuck up and a whore and a cutter and an alcoholic and a worthless piece of shit.
I'm done with people like them. Fuck you and your opinions of me. I've always known I can do whatever I want; but now I plan to actually start doing that.
Ugh. I'm so... I don't even know.
Actually, I'm still happy. I'm happy because I know who I want to be and who I am. They can't change me anymore; I've been seeing that in myself lately. And yeah, there are still a lot of things wrong with me, but I follow my code of ethics and morals and I am a happy person. I don't let any one else's opinions effect what I do. I am my own person.

So yes. Go fuck yourself.

Posted by Alex at 6:38 PM

Sunday, September 13, 2009

There used to be reasons for their fights. Their fights you used to happen one, two times a month. They used to drink every once and a while.
Now, the fight every other night. Over absolutely nothing. Right now, they're fighting. The fight somehow got started because my mom was on the phone giving advice to her best friend, who she hardly ever talks to and sees once a year. David has this five-year-old mentality that makes him need attention whenever my mom or I am on the phone. So he kept interrupting, and she got pissed, and then he insulted her best friend... And now they somehow got on the topic of my mom's ex-boyfriend from twenty years ago. And yeah, I do keep tabs on everything they fight about. The topics are so minuscule sometimes, it makes me want to slap them and tell them to grow up.
And the drinking. At least two bottles of vodka are consumed a night at my house. What scares me even more than that is that David actually drives after consuming that much alcohol and acts like it's no big deal. Often with me or my sister in the car. If I bring it up, he gets beyond pissed. And they do it in front of my friends... I don't even want people to ever come over anymore. It's too embarrassing and sad.
I hate being at my house. David and I just aren't compatible anymore, really. I often wish he would just completely ignore me, and I would completely ignore him. I wish my mom and I could just be together on our own again. And the fighting is so annoying... It makes me want to scream.
They stopped. Thank god. But I'm holding my breath for the next round.
I wonder what the neighbors think... not that I care. But I do worry about how it all affects Olivia.
Don't get me wrong, I know this is fairly normal. Lots of people have problems like me, and many have it much worse. But that's the thing... This sort of life shouldn't be normal, for anyone.

I don't know. I'm actually not really upset. I'm even kind of happy. I just can't wait to get out of this house.

Posted by Alex at 3:45 PM

Saturday, September 5, 2009

My day today was exceptionally dull, but that's okay because I had a lot to think about.
Sean asked me to be his girlfriend last night. 0_0 I said no.. He was very upset and acted liked I'd said, "I'll think about it". He clinged to me the entire night. Like, literally. He had to be wrapped around me or at least touching me the whole time... It got really uncomfortable and I finally just had to leave. Now he's all upset and he's called me numerous times today and I don't know what to do...
And Luke was really upset last night, but he wouldn't tell me why, and that upsets me. Luke and I used to be fairly close and now... I hate how that happens. I miss him.
Also, Tyler is still all pissed at me. It makes me really sad.
Zack showed me a new side of himself last night. First, he expected me to just go off with him and.. Yeah. Then he was bitching at me because he saw me hugging Sean and he implyed that I was a slut. Which hurt way more than it should have, and I ended up doing something stupid because of it. Damn him. Then he was pissed today because I had to go to swim practice and to my cousin's cheerleading thing, so I couldn't hang out with him. I hate him. Well, not really.
Travis talked to me last night, a little. Maybe things between us are getting better.. I hope so.

I'm getting weirdly used to being alone and I've gone numb lately. People and emotions are currently absent in my life. I guess that's my reaction to drama.

Gah, I'm so complain-y... I need to cheer the fuck up.

Posted by Alex at 10:13 PM

Thursday, September 3, 2009

I got a new phone. (: Yay. Did I tell you I lost mine the other day? Well, yeah, I did.
Anyways, school today was pretty good. I just keep thinking about Zack. He occupied my the entire day. I hate that he can do that to me. He shouldn't be able to. Then something about him slipped out of my mouth to Savannah and she freaked. But thankfully, we were at swim practice and she's easily distracted, so she forgot it. I don't know what to think or do.
And.. Him. As he does everyday, he told me I have a cute smile. Of course, I blushed and grinned. And then he asked if I still had a crush on him. "I don't know, a little bit." And then... he said.. "Love isn't about making love." For some reason, that made my heart hurt. He's just too awesome.. But of course, his one year anniversary with his girlfriend is tomorrow. I really am happy for them, honestly.. But a little jealous, too. But not too bad.
It just seems like all the good guys are taken, you know? Normally, I don't really worry about guys. Just lately I have been. And I don't like it. I don't know.

Posted by Alex at 6:40 PM

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I guess the truth is I just don't know what to think of Zack. He confuses the hell out of me. He says he wants a relationship, and then the overpass thing happened.. along with all the other nights... He looked shocked when I told him I thought he wasn't serious and he was so blunt, so believable.. And while I can't say yes, I can't say no either. And the red letter thing, the thing that would attach me to him forever.. If that ever happened, I couldn't tell him. I'd be so scared. And it's a very real, very possible thing. He appears to be just like all the other guys, but then... He does something like say he misses me. How the hell could he miss me? Well, I know what he misses. And it's not me, the person. I want to curl in a ball and cry. This feeling kind of makes me want to go back to him, because... I don't even know why. It doesn't make any sense.

Posted by Alex at 7:04 PM

I'm so extremely stressed I'm about to cry. It doesn't make any sense. And I have to write right now to keep myself from A) bursting into tears and B) grabbing the bottle of vodka on the counter behind me.
I sometimes wish I was retarded. Like, mentally retarded. I know it's a terrible thing to wish, but maybe the world woudn't hurt so much if I couldn't understand it. I guess that's why I like alcohol and drugs; I don't have to think about or understand the world.

Posted by Alex at 5:04 PM

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

So this a rant about my first day of school! Yay!

In first hour, I was happy to discover that Aubrey AND Tommy are in my P.E. class. :D That made me exceptionally happy.
Second hour, geometry, was... Um, I'm not sure. First, I despise math and all things math-related. So I wasn't to excited about that. Then, Travis walks in the door. I almost stopped breathing. I mean, I've seen him around after... But now I have to look at him everyday. And the only other person I know in that class is Mariah, who I can actually relate to more than she knows.. But still. She seems a bit aloof around me, although she did sit next to me. One good thing about geometry: We get to work in groups and the teacher seems pretty nice. Which is awesome because, as I mentioned, math is my worst subject.
Third-fouth hour I had Spanish II. My teacher was extremely bubbly and I have a good view out the window. (I have to be near windows in class or I go slightly crazy.) I didn't know anyone in that class. I think I'll like it.
Fifth-sixth hour, English II. I love english and all things english-related. (: My teacher seemed nice. As I sat down, I looked up to see a tall boy with blue-streaked hair walk in the door. He plopped down in a seat two rows over and grinned at me. Zack. I was partially terrified, partially happy, partially annoyed. I don't know what to do about him. At one point, when everyone was chattering, he looked at me and told me to smile. Stupidly, I did. He said that we'd never had our promised late-night phone conversation. I said I know. He said he was going to call me tonight. Stupidly, stupidly, stupidly, I gave him a thumbs up. I never fucking learn..
Whatever. Seventh hour, lunch, I SAW SEAN! :DD I was so ecstatic. I seriously squealed when I saw him. I ran up to him and stood in front of him. For a moment, he looked confused. Then recognition dawned on his face and he was all, "Alex!!" And we hugged and talked excitedly and I explained why I wasn't going to Mac anymore and it was just awesome. (: Then we just sat together and were happy and I gave him my number and we're supposed to hang out soon. I love that kid so damn much. Also, Tommy and Gabby are in my lunch hour. And Tyler M. is second semester. Yay! (Oh, and then eighth hour I just have studyhall..)
Ninth-tenth hour, I have biology. I'm the only sophmore in my class, but whatever. All the freshman were in a meeting, so I got to just talk to my teacher. She's really nice, and I found out I don't have to disect anything, which is a huge relief.
Eleventh hour, I have world history. My teacher is officially the best teacher in the world. He had Led Zepplin and Pink Floyd posters on his wall, and he was playing The Beatles when I walked in. He's super nice, doesn't give homework, and is relaxed about cell phones and iPods and late work. Oh, and Tommy is in my class. Plus, history is my favorite subject so that class should be great.
Other things that made this day great: I saw Noah, I saw Maria, I saw Mark, I saw Morgan, I saw Kenna, I saw Tyler M., I saw Gabby, I saw Savannah, I saw Chris, I saw Kevin, I saw Tyler P., I like my teachers, I like my classes, I went to ihop afterwards, and I like the school a lot.
Some things that made it not so great: Travis, Zack, I saw Josh with that slut Megan (okay, okay, I'm bitter, that was bitchy, sorry Megan...), Villa was being a dick and it really upset Gabby, and I got really sick around one and I still feel kinda crappy.

I'm rather happy. (:

Posted by Alex at 2:59 PM

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