Monday, November 30, 2009
We broke up.I... I'm not upset about that, really. We never saw each other and it's for the best. But.. He treated me better than anyone. And I told him about the thing. The thing! Jesus... I can't believe how quickly I trusted him.
God now I'm crying. I wasn't upset earlier, at all. Why am I getting upset? There is no reason for it. Stupid slut.
Fuck. I realize that I rant too much on this blog, all about depressing things and how much my life sucks. I'm sorry. Life is really not too bad for me. I'm just hurt at the moment. I feel like an outsider everywhere I go. I want to do all these horrible things to myself all the time. I'm such a masochist. And... He made me feel better. I didn't love him. But being with him at least made me feel worth something. I was pretty around him. I could be the girl in the relationship for once... I didn't have to take care of him. He took care of me. I told him the thing! God fucking damn it!
I want to know what it feels like to love someone and to be loved back. He made me feel worth something and now that worth is gone along with him.
I realize that I have to love myself before I can love or be loved by anyone else... But that is so, so difficult.
On a different note, can't she fucking realize how much I hatehatehate being touched?
I feel miserable. I shouldn't. Is anyone else as disgusted by the typicality of their emotions like I am? I want to be numb. I want to be indifferent.
I hate this.
Posted by Alex at 4:19 PM
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Here's some stuff I've written lately. It's all psycho crap.I absolutely love how
they all think
I'm
fine.
Happy, even.
With my
great boyfriend
good grades
hippie attire
I must be fine
they either don't
see
or
they
ignore
the cuts under my hemp
due to the fact
that I despise
fucking my great boyfriend
and the good grades
are only because it's fairly easy
and
if I'm alright in school
the secret stinking drunks
will stay out of my life
and
let me out of this cage
unknowingly
on the weekends.
I am supposed to be writing a research paper
on anorexia
but who gives a fuck?
I only want to
cut and
bleed and
fuck
drink
snort
smoke
shoot
puke
sleep
burn
burn
burn
drown
It would be quiet
to drown
down below everything
in a cold blue fist
cold.
quiet.
dark.
passing into unconsciousness.
passing
to get closer to
the dream world
where DMT makes me
psychosane.
And I can finally
breath.
Dylan.
Save me.
Save me, dammit! Dylan!
I need it!
I need you!
Give me drugs,
pump my veins...
get into that magical
gland
in my brain
where there is nirvana
and I can go
psychosane.
Give me the drugs, Dylan.
Dylan.
Psychedelic.
Tripping.
The fruit and grass,
the sun.
feet.
the music.
I can feel everything.
we are above it
we are flying
take me away from here
to neye
to nirvana.
Please, Dylan, I am dead.
Save me.
Wake me.
I want to live,
but not like this. That.
not like that.
Save me.
Save me.
Save me.
Crash.
----------------------------
He is shocked by the amazing foreign-ness of the undersides of tongues
As we cower in the backseats of cars
Denying that we reek
Just as badly as the naked rotting street children
With dreadlocked hair and dirty genitalia
In more ways than one
They bear black teeth and trash-caked nails,
Fighting for their own piece of insanity to become normal.
They laugh manically at the aristocracy,
Mocking their half-hearted attempts to understand
The rampant napkin scribblings
Of naked rotting street children.
-------------------------------
I walked into a class
with marked up arms and
a copy of Bukowski
not really aware of
my expression or attitude
just being.
And this girl.
I smile at her because
due to curious circumstances
she knows me
and
I know her.
Then as I crack open
Bukowski
and read the first
line of the uninitiated
she is suddenly standing over me.
Telling me,
you know,
if you ever need to talk,
I'm here,
alright?
And I freeze
go stiff
because why would she care about me?
She must know something,
I assume,
and I glance at
the ribbons on my arms
and hate her for knowing.
She said
she's artistic
a real Renaissance girl.
Yet if she were truly artistic
would she not be crazy
like me?
Would she not ignore
my scars of madness?
I suppose
I suppose I hate her
because
she is like me
in the mask she wears
of quiet artistic normalcy,
or at least sanity.
she is terrifying because
she, like me,
knows that
such a thing
cannot exist.
And so she sees these scars
and knows they are
self-made
that they spring from
the desperate screaming
blinded starving
self-pitying
bitchy manic
self hating
delirious thing inside of me
that dares call itself an artist.
But we both know
this game, this facade
So I smile.
Thank you.
I am here for you
also.
And I compliment her shirt
And she walks away
to sit in her desk
in this penitentiary
where they pretend
to nurture
us
But if we shine through these masks,
truly shine,
they shove a diagnosis
and candy-colored pills
down our swollen throats
so the girl and I
we sit and we pretend
and I hate her because she knows.
---------------------
Those are just three I randomly picked up off the floor. Blah. Although I got in a car accident today and Gaston's depressed and I feel absolutely obese, I'm actually pretty happy right now. And I have a great inspiration for a new book, thanks to Kyrstin. (:
Yay.
Posted by Alex at 7:08 PM
Sunday, November 22, 2009
I fucked him. Twice in the same day. The same hour. Then later I blew him in the backseat of his car.I wanted to ask him is he still loved me afterwards but then I realized he never loved me in the first place.
Don't look at me.
Posted by Alex at 8:09 PM
Thursday, November 19, 2009
You know it's bad when one of the biggest druggies you know says to you, "You're smart. You skipped a grade. So why are you doing so many drugs?"Or when a friend who has slept with numerous guys tells you that, "You're a hoe. You're a smart hoe, but babe, you're a hoe."
And then when that you deny doing drugs to that druggie, he laughs and says, "Please. You're smoking a square, wearing hemp, and you mumble whenever you talk. I think someone's had a few to many trips."
And when you deny being a hoe to that friend, she says, "Babe. You've been pregnant. You are a hoe, more than me. And that's saying something. But I love you anyways."
I feel like shit. I mean two people today have confirmed the fact that I'm a drugged up whore who's throwing my life away.
Well, I typed that like two hours ago. ^^Then I got talking to Kyrstin. We WILL be friends, fucking dammit. We will be. No more hiding in fear. I'm going to make this work.
We shall hang out Saturday. :D
As for tomorrow night, going to Erik's party with Gaston. My boyfriend. I like the sound of that.
Posted by Alex at 6:11 PM
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The world is a really sad place. It is just damn sad.My uncle Mike is a guitar prodigy. He's absolutely amazing... And that is all he has in his life. He is 55 and alone. And today he lost his finger. He can no longer play guitar. It just makes me so sad. I cried a lot when I found out. I mean, he could have lost his leg and been fine. He could have even lost his pinkie finger or something... But no. It had to be his left index. I am so sad for him. I'm going to make him a cake tomorrow.
And my family is falling apart. They don't love each other, not like married couples should. Everything is so tense and I can see what a messed up group of people we are. We're all survivors of tragedies, strangers to each other. Yet we call ourselves a family. We share a home and food and income... And then on occasion we share a little bit of our souls. And we call it family. But hey, I guess you take what you can get. I'm a way better off than a lot of people.
I caught a glimpse of a little boy in my dad today. It made me want to hug him for the first time I can ever remember. He was so little and sad and vulnerable all of the sudden.... I do love him.
And my mother. My poor mother. Her heart is hardening from years of pain. I want to take it all away but I can't. I feel like I just add to it. I love her so, so, so much. More than anything in the world. And I hate seeing her broken like this. I wish I could fix her. God I wish I could fix her...
I am just so fucking scared. Absolutely petrified. I don't know what to do.
Posted by Alex at 6:24 PM
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I guess I'm kind of in the middle of everything.I can't control my own life, I can't decide what to do, I can't... I don't even know.
Don't get me wrong, my life's pretty good right now. I have an awesome boyfriend. I've been coming to terms with some things that have happened in the past. Most of my friends and I have no issues. Yet at the same time there are little things that are fraying the edges... And I'm very scared that everything will soon come undone.
Posted by Alex at 5:06 AM
Thursday, November 5, 2009
My insides area all twisted up and I feel very vulnerable for the first time in a while. I have a headache right between my eyebrows. My stomach is fluttery and I'm cold. Mostly, thoguh, I want it to shut up.It's like... this actually has not happened to me before. And it's scary, because it's coming from someone I trust. From someone who really is a good person. And that totally clouds my judgement, because now I just don't know.
Now all the happiness seems fake, and I just want to sleep. I've been doing that a lot lately, sleeping off my problems. I like not feeling.
It's like. Nice pushy. Nice, then pushy. Then back to nice. I don't know. I hate this disease.
Posted by Alex at 8:28 PM
Sunday, November 1, 2009
I went to see Paranormal Activity with Gaston tonight. (((:And I really like him a super lot! :D