Monday, June 28, 2010

I took a personality test. This was the result.

INFP
creative, smart, idealist, loner, attracted to sad things, disorganized, avoidant, can be overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings, prone to quitting, prone to feelings of loneliness, ambivalent of the rules, solitary, daydreams about people to maintain a sense of closeness, focus on fantasies, acts without planning, low self confidence, emotionally moody, can feel defective, prone to lateness, likes esoteric things, wounded at the core, feels shame, frequently losing things, prone to sadness, prone to dreaming about a rescuer, disorderly, observer, easily distracted, does not like crowds, can act without thinking, private, can feel uncomfortable around others, familiar with the darkside, hermit, more likely to support marijuana legalization, can sabotage self, likes the rain, sometimes can't control fearful thoughts, prone to crying, prone to regret, attracted to the counter culture, can be submissive, prone to feeling discouraged, frequently second guesses self, not punctual, not always prepared, can feel victimized, prone to confusion, prone to irresponsibility, can be pessimistic

Hmmm.
Interesting.

(I'm feeling better today, by the way.)

Posted by Alex at 9:49 AM

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Oh god, what's wrong with me??

Posted by Alex at 8:35 PM

I guess this all started because of Jasper, my bunny baby. I'm convinced I'll never be a good mother. I'll fuck it up. I want to have kids. I think about it sometimes. But then I make myself stop because I know I can't do it. I wouldn't be good enough. I'd fuck them up. I don't want to fuck them up. I don't want to hurt anyone..

And. _________. _______. ______. And I feel old and worthless, like my body is being used up and I'll never be wanted again. Which totally freaks me out. And I'm shocked and sickened by myself for putting my worth on my body.

I don't know.

Posted by Alex at 8:17 PM

I'm fucking crazy I'm fucking crazy I'm fucking crazy.
I hate it when this happens! I fucking hate it! I'm attacking myself inside my head and it won't stop and I have all these urges to do horrible things to myself.
Dakota wants me to tell him what's wrong but how am I supposed to? Should I tell him I have voices screaming at me telling me I'm a horrible person, that I'm a fuck up, that I'm worthless and talentless and purposeless and hopeless? He wouldn't get it. He would just tell me I mean the world to him and expect me to feel better. I don't know how to feel better.
As soon as I'm alone at night, it attacks me. It rips my insides out and screeches profanity and unimaginable cruelty. No matter how much I cry or scream or write or whatever... it won't go away. I know how to make it go away. But I'm not supposed to do those things anymore.
I'm always writing about the same thing. I've been dealing with it forever.
It never goes away.
It never gets better.
How do I get better?

Posted by Alex at 8:07 PM

Saturday, June 26, 2010

I have such strange dreams.
The internet won't let me get on facebook.
Gabby hit me in the face with a funnel cake last night. It was great.
Going to Erik Drazinski's grad party tonight with Dakota, Gabby, and Tyler.
I'm wearing makeup for the first time in forever. Just mascara though.
It's really hot in my room.
I found a new band: First Aid Kit. Two sisters from Sweden. Very folky and calm. I love it.
Ummm.
I really, really need to finish my book report. But I hate it so much.
I don't want to take AP.
But I need to for stupid stinking college.
Grr.
I'm not hungry.
I'm scared.
That's all.

Posted by Alex at 7:58 AM

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Just woke up from a really vivid dream where I was eating rotten food with bugs in it and everything around me was filthy. Then I went to find Dakota, and he was kissing his ex-girlfriend. I pretended not to see. That was all that happened, but for some reason I woke up feeling very anxious. So, I looked up the symbolism of the dream.

Dirty: To dream that you or something is dirty, represents your anxieties and feelings toward sex. The dream stems from low self-esteem and feelings of being unworthy. You need to purify your mind, heart and body.

Bugs: To see a bug in your dream, suggests that you are worried about something. It is symbolic of your anxieties and/or fears. What is literally bugging you? Consider also the popular phrase "bitten by the bug" to imply your strong emotional ties or involvement to some activity/interest/hobby. Alternatively, the bug may be representative of your sexual thoughts.

Food: To see or eat stale food in your dream, suggests that you are feeling sluggish and emotionally drained. You need to be invigorated and revitalized.

Cheating: To dream that your mate, spouse, or significant other is cheating on you, indicates your fears of being abandoned. You may feel a lack of attention in the relationship. Alternatively, you may feel that you are not measuring up to the expectations of others. This notion may stem from issues of trust or self-esteem. The dream could also indicate that you are unconsciously picking up hints and cues that your significant other is not being completely truthful or is not fully committed in the relationship.

Weird..

Posted by Alex at 5:56 AM

Monday, June 14, 2010

I know I've been gone for a while, but I've just been so busy.

Here's how my average day goes this summer: Wake up, shower, eat, leave, do a bunch of random weird sometimes boring sometimes fun stuff, then either stay at someone's house or come home at 11 and crash. I'm exhausted every single night. I barely have time to eat, let alone blog. But, I have time at the moment.

So things between Dakota and I are going really well. He's so good to me. I'm not all paranoid and worried about sex because he's made it clear to me that he's in no hurry and that I control that aspect of our relationship. It's really different, but I like it. I feel connected to him. I miss him so much when he's not around. Being around him just makes me happy, no matter what. That's a little scary, having him have that control, but I'm okay with it. I guess that's how relationships go, right?

My To-Do List For The Summer:

Yup. That's about all that I can think of right now. Oh, Savannah's a bitch. Period. Ever since she started dating Kevin. I hate it.

And I'm in love with Skins.

And I'm craving a popsicle.

Yup.


Anyways, I took a yoga class today. Which means I'm sore and exhausted because this is the first one I've taken in forever. So yeah. Goodnight blog. Sorry for the neglect. I'll try to make an improvement.

Posted by Alex at 9:34 AM

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

So Kyrstin got me thinking.
About drugs and fears and loneliness.

I wanted them to shut up. Even after they're gone, their voices linger in my head. For days. Weeks. Hell, some have been up there for years.
So after a particularly long day of insults and unintentionally hurtful comments, I was happy when S. texted me. Asked me if I wanted doses. I almost said yes.
But then I started to think. About how last time I tripped, all this shit came up that I really did not want to think about. About how scared I got.
I was terrified. I was convinced that I was alone. I stopped in the middle of a sidewalk in Kankakee and sobbed for a very long time. I can't remember how long. Tim was there and he tried to comfort me. But the drugs, for once, had put me alone with my thoughts. All I could hear were the voices in my head. I can't explain how overwhelming it was. I remember thinking that I had no idea what I was doing and if this mental chaos was all there was, I wanted to be dead. I don't know what would have happened if Tim hadn't been there..
After a while, it passed. I saw crazy things and actually had a lot of fun. But every once in a while the anxiety would creep back. I would stop and start to whimper. Tim was there, though, and he kept me distracted.

So basically, I thought about all the craziness that went on in my head last time I tripped and about what Kyrstin said about being worried about me and about how nothing is probably ever going to make this chaos go away. How the drugs seem to keep getting weaker and lead to more anxiety after they're gone.

How if I keep doing drugs, my fears of loneliness may very well become reality.
I don't want that to happen.

So I ignored S.'s text.

It's a step.

Posted by Alex at 3:55 AM