Sunday, June 28, 2009

Posted by Alex at 11:24 AM

Saturday, June 27, 2009

I'm drunk. AS fuck. Woooo.

it;s not much fun. I kissed Tyler. Villa said it looked like I was mauling his face. I don;t doubt it., I hate myself. Like more than you know, oh dearest blog. God damn it. I'm so juvenile. I haven't learned anything. I'm the exact same as I was new years. God damn whore. Fuck it. I love this light feeling I have, like I could just float right up and away from my psycho alcoholic parents and all of their rules and away from all my nagging, goody-two-shoes friends. I'm writng, blog, because I hate it wehn people love me. Thats fucked up, right? That's what everyone keeps saying. I don;t hate it, I just can't stand the fact that they can control me with that love. It sucks.

I saw Luke tonight. WE used to be really close. I miss it,l

I saw Zack last night. He wrapped his hand aroung my waist. I didn;t stop him. WHORE. Whorewhorewhoer!

He wants to hook up again. Fuck. ANd I have a baby face.

And I saw Josh and Meagan. So awkward.

Whatever, it doesn;t matter.

Alex and I used to play pirates in his basement. And cowboys. And we wpuld dance around to that song about that blue guy that goes dabadee dabadi and sing. He's jewish. Now he;s a drug dealer. I took a drink from his cup at the destival tonight and it was straight yaeger. Or whatever. Yeah.

I miss it when everuthing was simple and we were all inocent. I can't wait til I move out. I;m an insensitive bitch.

I'm so, so sorry. I want to die.

Posted by Alex at 10:25 PM

Thursday, June 25, 2009

I broke up with Dakota last night. He's basically crushed, and I feel bad. But I'm not letting it get to me. I don't want to admit this, but words on paper (er, a computer screen) make it easier to confess. I feel like I'm turning into Cody. I came so close to saying "I have to do what's best for me". Ugh. I'm so pissed at myself for that. But whatever. That's life. I'm single and I'm moving on, not looking back. Fuck. Cody also said that. "The past stays dead." Wow. I am turning into him. Whatever. I'm in a good mood. Nothing shall ruin it.

My madre came home today! XD I was so excited. I'm glad she's back; everything is all out of whack when she's gone. The car ride to the airport to pick her up sucked, though. David and I got in an argument over a fricking picture on a quarter. And for the first time in a while, I really, really wanted to cut myself. I came to the realization last night that I cannot win with him. Ever. No matter what I do. I was upset because I wanted to stay later at the F.F. He said I had to be home at 8. I, apparently, slammed the door on the way out. He comes out and grabs me (which scared the shit out of me; I hate being touched) and starts yelling about my attitude. I told him I was sorry I had an attitude, I just wanted to stay later. I can't help that, I wasn't trying to be disrespectful. And here's what he says, after all that counseling and me telling them that I can never tell them stuff and how badly it's messed me up: "I don't want to see your damn emotions. Keep them to yourself. I don't care" Those three sentences made me almost, almost call my old dealer. I knew he'd be at the Friendship Fest, and I could forget about my asshole of a stepfather. But I didn't. I bit my tongue and numbed my brain and decided that all I had to do was survive three more years. Three more years and I was free of him. For the next three years, I will keep my room clean and do all my chores. I'll keep my grades up and not talk back. I'll bite my tongue when I'm sad, angry, frustrated, or any other emotion. I won't talk too much. If I become a robot, he'll be happy and leave me alone. Then I'm free. I cannot wait.

Sorry. Got a little off track. Anyways, my mom's home and I'm so happy. I love her a lot. But I can feel us distancing ourselves from each other. I think we're both preparing for when I go to the Bahamas, and later, college. But we're still our own little family. She's the only person that's stuck with me through everything, and I love her. We're a team. Us against the world. Always have been, always will be.

Posted by Alex at 9:03 PM

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I know I've been complaining a lot lately, but everything is just kind of suckish. David is KILLING me. I feel like a prisoner, literally. I'm not allowed to go to other people's houses, and if someone comes over they have to be gone by 7. And if he's home, he doesn't want anyone in the house. He wants to "spend time with me". But I just sit up in my room while he drinks and reads and my sister does whatever she wants to do. I have to babysit her every single day, and I'm not getting payed. If I ask to go anywhere I get yelled at. The only place he's let me go is to the park with Tyler and swimming with Savannah. The fact that he let me do either of those was surprising. But he only let me stay until 4 each time, so that I would be home in plenty of time to take care of Olivia after she got back from her day camp, which is on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Fridays. Thank god my mom is coming home tomorrow.

I just feel pathetic. I hate this control. I have issues with authority. I need the freedom to do what I want or I go crazy. And I know they're trying to be good parents, but I'm too far gone to accept their help. I've been surviving basically on my own since I was 7, although they don't know that.

And I'm being a bit unfair. My parents let me dress the way I want, be who I am, take the classes I want in school, choose my own career. They're good parents. We just have this huge wall between us that makes communication impossible. I don't even feel like a part of this family, and they're trying to jam me in. It makes me want to run away. They want their little girl back, but she was buried long ago.

And I'm taking out my frustrations on Olivia, which I don't want to do. I need to be supportive of her and love her. I can already see myself in her, and that terrifies me. What if she turns out the way I have? I know I'm just begining my life, but I've gotten off to a rough start. I don't want that to happen to her.

I don't know about anything. I going to finish this art project with Olivia, do the dishes, practice guitar, and then start packing for the Bahamas.

Posted by Alex at 8:18 AM

Monday, June 22, 2009

I feel so very lost. I have now idea where i fit in, or who I fit in with.

Dakota and I have nothing in common and I'm going to break up with him. I just don't know how or when. And I'm scared. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to hate me.

Tyler, upon hearing the news I will most likely break up with Dakota, is being supportive yet pushy. He still likes me and I sometimes still like him, but I'm not going to date him. I'll ruin everything.

And a certain person is offering me an escape: A bottle of Captain and a dime if I come "hang out" with him. It's so wrong; it should be easy to resist, right? Um no. Sadly. I'm considering it. But I'm not going to do it. Because the only way I can tolerate "hanging out" is if I'm totally wasted, and I know I'll hate myself after.

Ugh. Whore. Fucking whore.

Everyone is a liar. Don't trust anyone fully, ever. They'll gut you alive and laugh about it.

Fuck this place.

Posted by Alex at 7:52 PM

Sunday, June 21, 2009

I'm still kinda out of it. I don't know what makes me like this. I'm crazy.

I need to break up with Dakota. I saw him today. It sucked. The only thing we did was make out and I hated it. I want to be single again. Zero commitment. I want to spend all my time at with Tyler, Villa, Kevin, and the long haired Jew. Everything is simple and fun when I'm with them. And while they can be total asses, at the same time I feel completely happy and accepted with them. I was with them this morning. We played frolf, went out to get chinese, and blasted techno music. And even though Tyler and I have.. um... slight sexual tension (cringe!), it's all good. And also, they're all completely no drugs, no alcohol. Except for maybe Villa. But whatever. That's good for me, I guess. At this moment, they are the only people I want to be with.

Tomorrow I'm going to the pit with Savannah. I love going out there. It ought to be fun. Tuesday, hanging with Gabby, Tyler, and Villa. Wednesday, first day of the Friendship Fest. Yay! That'll be fun. As long as I don't see Taylor or Morgan. Which I most likely will. Whatever. And my mom comes home Thursday. I can't wait.

I'm hoping a good night's sleep will bring me back to earth. G'night blogspot.

Posted by Alex at 8:55 PM

Saturday, June 20, 2009

I feel dead.

Apparently I'm pretty. Pretty enough to be a slut, anyway. Only I'm getting fat. I have weird eating habits. I'll go an entire day, or even several days, and eat nothing. And some days I binge myself into oblivion. I've been bulimic. I hate my body.

Sex is so much easier than relationships. I hate relationships. I hate romance. I don't think love, or romantic love anyways, is real. No way. Dakota's just fucking psychotic. "When we move in together...." Yeah, no. Screw that. But I don't want to hurt him.

God dammit what the hell is wrong with me? He texts me, more romantic bullshit, and I grin. I fucking smile at it! The logical, the hormonal, and the retarded loving part of my brain are having a war and it's hard to tell who's winning.

And I keep spoon feeding him lies. I'm a fatass lying fucked up whore.

I wish my mom was here.

Aubrey's engaged . She's 15. I want to strangle her but that would be inappropriate. I'm supposed to be all supportive, "yay-you're-getting-married-oh-my-god-its-so-romantic-yay-I-get-to-be-your-maid-of-honor-oh-yeah-your-dad-is-so-wrong-to-say-that-you're-to-young-blah-blah-blah". I'm sad. They don't even have a good relationship. And I don't want to see Aubrey or Logan get hurt.

Father's Day is tomorrow. I'm supposed to appreciate my dad. But he's currently being drunk and obnoxious. He's been getting drunk every single night for the past three weeks after five months of sobriety. I hate vodka yet at the same time I love it more than anything. I know it's happening but I won't admit it out loud.

I'm becoming an alcoholic.

Stephanie was right. I am just like her. Exactly. Two alcoholic whores, both had to grow up too quickly. We could be twins.

I'm too self-pitying.

A little E right now would be awesome. Downers are fucking evil. I have a dealer's number in my phone. I could call him, and he'd meet me at the park right now. I'd pay him and or maybe we'd go for a little trip together. Oh, I'm so tempted. But I won't. For Tyler. We've been getting close again and I don't want to ruin that.

I just thought of Dakota. I do love him. He's just been gone for a while and I don't do long distance well.

I found two baby bunnies that my cat tortured. I was taking care of them. My dad made me put them back. Poor bunnies. I'm sure they're dead. Their eyes were still closed and their umbilical cords were still attached.

I'm so fat. I should start running again. And cut back on binging days. Or try.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep. I can't control my emotions. I was so happy earlier today with Gabby when we were swimming. Now I want David to storm in my room and punch me in the face so I can run away and start my existence over.

I'm going to draw.

I went swimming today. I got really tan. I hate my tan lines.

I don't even remember typing that. ^^^ My brain is getting really messed up.

I have to go to church and clean the house tomorrow. I might go to the pit monday. I really hope I can. And I hope Dakota can come. I miss my mom.

I'm going swimming. No. I meant to type walking. I'm going for a god damn walk. Fuck.

Posted by Alex at 9:35 PM

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

My mom's gone off to California for ten days to take care of my grandma after her knee surgery, which means I'm stuck in the clutches of David. He's really not that bad. We're just not compatable. I have to cook and clean and take care of my sister 24/7, except when she's at day camp. I don't want to complain, but it's draining. And I really miss my mom. =/

Posted by Alex at 6:44 AM

Saturday, June 13, 2009

My family is broke. I'm probably going to BB next year. I really don't care where I go to school. The only downside to leaving Mac would be I'd never see Dakota anymore....

I'm going to the Bahamas soon. But I can't seem to get myself excited over it. I feel disconnected from everything.

Dakota's gone off to Canada, I'm not sure when he's coming back.

I hung out with Tyler Porter and Tyler Villareal (or however you spell that) yesterday. We played disc golf at Riverfront Park, then Tyler P. and I got icecream. Yum. It was fun; Tyler V. lost his shoe in the ravine. Ha. I laughed.

I'm watching my little sister right now. She's banging away at the piano. I should reallt clean my room. It's very messy.

Oh, and Brooke called last night. Her girlfriend hung herself. When she's depressed, I'm depressed. I feel really bad for her. That girl has had such a hard life; she's considering coming to live with us again. I kind of hope she does. But I doubt her dad will let her. So unless he loses custody (again), she's stuck down there. Poor Brooke. I miss her.

Well. There ya go. An update on my life.

Posted by Alex at 8:15 AM

Friday, June 5, 2009

Kyrstin,

I love you. You're an amazing person. I know we're not very close, but I would like to become closer, only sometimes I just shut myself up in this little hole because I don't have the capacity to handle other people. I'm really a very shitty friend. But I' sorry you've been feeling closed off and alone, I should be there for you more.

Posted by Alex at 12:46 AM

I am a very, very sick person. Tonight was one of the worst nights of my life. I woke up a little bit ago at my toliet, gagging myself with a tooth brush to make myself throw up the empty carton of cookies next to me. There was also a bottle of pain killers next to me, but I don't think I took them. I was shaking like hell. I couldn't stop. And I kept, like, screaming silently. Then I noticed there was blood everywhere and I got really, really scrared. Scared beyond belief. I thought I'd cut myself again, which is currently the number one thing I don't wnat to do right now. But, thank god, I realized I'd only started my period.

The worst part, however, was the dream itself. I was so, so, so cold. I can't even explain it. I've never gone through drug withdrawls, but I imagine what I just went through is similar. I really do get too sucked into books. I was hallucinating like i was on acidd, adn then I was wandering the streets of some dingy town. (I just read Go Ask Alice today). But then something worse happened. I was semiawake... I don't want to talk about this because it makes me sound completely crazy but I only know of two people who read my blog anyway and I already called them for support. As expected, no one answered. Because it's two in the fucking morning. So.. Here's what happened. I don't know how to explain. It's like, I was in this parking lot surrounded by trees. It looked a lot like perry farm. Only I knew it was someplace in my head. And then I saw two people in front of me, but they were me. Only one was a boy and one was a girl. Their names were Mike and Desiree. The were fighting for control over me. Like, me who I am, my brain, my personality. They wanted me to go to sleep and let them become me. I started crying and shaking and babbling nonsense and then I sat up and they were next to me by the toliet. Desiree was telling me to just let her take over and everything would be fine. Mike was whispering horrible things somewhere far away. I wanted to let her take control, because I was so cold, but something made me stop. I don't know what it was but suddenly I was wide awake and sobbing nad shaking and I started calling people. But I can still see Desiree and Mike and I'm god damn mother fucking crazy and I don't know what to do.

Posted by Alex at 12:19 AM

Archives

• May 2009
• June 2009
• July 2009
• August 2009
• September 2009
• October 2009
• November 2009
• December 2009
• January 2010
• May 2010
• June 2010
• July 2010
• August 2010

Credits

• Drogue Designs
• Portfelia
• Brushworx
• Pootato
• The Glass Bead