Friday, October 30, 2009
Ahhhhahahahaah! I went on a date with Gaston who I really like and Kyrstin said he was a really good guy and he's texting me now and he wants to make plans to hang out again and he said he really wanted to hold my hand when we were watching Saw VI and oh my gawd I'm happy. XD Hehehe I'm giggly and I love it. This is like the first crush I've had in forever. I feel so.. Ecstatic! I don't know, I'm just ah! Awesome!And, although I was supposed to see Paranormal Activity tonight (after six nights in a row of cancellations) I did not see it yet again. But, that's okay! Because Saw VI was pretty good and I had mini chewy sweet tarts and then of course Gaston who makes me giggly and fluttery inside. But shh, that's a secret!
Anyways, tomorrow I have conference! I'm slightly nervous, but not too bad.
And tomorrow's Halloween, which I have mixed feelings about... I love the holiday and everything, but it marks the two year anniversary of the worst day of my life. I was just looking for this thing I wrote about it... The night my life fell apart. I'll have to try to be happy tomorrow. I really don't want to let something that happened two years ago affect me now.
On a happier note, life's pretty damn good. (: Goodnight!
Posted by Alex at 8:34 PM
Monday, October 26, 2009
Know what I'm thinking about?
How about now?I can't stop thinking. I'm crazy. I can't stop thinking I'm crazy.
I know, stupid selfpitying selfish bitchy worthless slut.
Since when do you deserve anything? Shut the fuck up.
Posted by Alex at 7:43 PM
Sunday, October 25, 2009
I haven't written in a while. I don't have much to say.Life is very simple and much too complicated at the same time.
I love the wrong people. And I push away those I should love.
I hurt. A lot.
I have no idea what I'm doing. At all.
I'm trying to live one day at a time. It's hard.
I want to love some one. I want to know it's possible. I want to know it's real.
And there's so, so much more trapped inside.
Posted by Alex at 6:11 PM
Sunday, October 18, 2009
So, I guess I sort of have a talent for drawing detail, according to Ms. Lacy. I really appreciate her saying that. I've been drawing my entire life, but I never thought I was any good... Hmm. This is interesting, actually.I've been making music in my head all the time lately for the past week when I sleep. I'll wake up with songs in my head, lyrics, things that my mind has made while I dream. I love it, but I don't know how to get it down. Like this morning, I woke up with a perfect drum intro and some keyboard stuff in my head and I just don't know how to get it down. I guess my constant practicing is paying off, but I need to find a way to save it.
I'm going to go sketch some stuff.
Posted by Alex at 5:57 PM
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Ugh. I am so scared that I will never have a healthy relationship...So this really sweet guy who I actually kinda like asks me to go to a movie with him and a couple other people. I want to go, but I say no because that would imply that I like him which would imply a future relationship which would imply, eventually, sex and sexual activities. Which scare the shit out of me in a relationship.
I just do not understand how sex and love fit together, ever. I mean, I guess I know it happens... But I don't see how. It just doesn't make sense to me. I can't figure out how to make that work. And that's really frustrating.
Those god damn people.. They ruined an entire aspect of my life. I can't even go on a simple date with out freaking out.
I've been to enough doctors to know why I'm crazy like this, but no one can give me any way to fix it. They tell me I need to identify what caused these emotions; uh, I already have. Now what? "Come to terms with what happened." Done. Still don't feel any better. Now what? And from there it can take any number of directions, but nothing works!
I hate this. I hate them.
And I'm trying to love myself and let myself be loved. But that's a lot harded than it sounds. Aubrey proved it; I thought I was improving. A lot. But either I haven't at all or I have a much longer way to go than I originally thought.
Also, we have something. You and I both know it. And it terrifies both of us. But it's there, Harry Potter boy. It's there..
Posted by Alex at 8:33 PM
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I had my first panic attack in several years today. Why? Because my family is moving to Scotland. I was happy when I found that part out. Ecstatic. But then I found out it won't be for several years... Not until after I graduate. And that's when I freaked out. I've been suppressing it, but I'm going fucking insane here.Yeah, see, you would think that moving to a different country would make me depressed. But it's the exact opposite. I hatehatehate staying in one place for too long. I've been to four different schools in two and a half years. And I'm still going crazy. It's like a disease I have; my mom and my uncle and my cousin and my grandma and a few other people I'm related to have it, too. It's horrible. Staying in one place is just hell. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. The absolutely only thing I would miss would be my friends, obviously. Other than that, nothing. I want to leave. And my parents are saying we probably will... But not for several years. Not until after I graduate. Which means I'll be out of the house anyways. And I don't know if I can stand three more fucking years. And even then, I won't have money to travel. I feel like I'm going to be stuck here forever and I'm fucking freaking out. I hate it here, I hate it! And I know that if I move, it'll be better for a while... Then I'll have to move again. But I'm okay with that. I like that.
I want to go to Scotland. I want to meet new people, go new places, leave this fucking bullshit town behind. I hate driving past Zack's house and thinking about what I did. I hate seeing him and him and him in the halls and feeling shame. I hate seeing that people who used to be my best friends have turned into complete strangers. And I hate never discovering anything new anymore.
I have to get out of here. I fucking have to.
Oh, also this "disease" scares the shit out of me... What's going to happen in college, after a year? Will I be crawling out of my skin like I am now and want to leave? I'll have to pick a college with a study abroad program... Just a thought.
Posted by Alex at 6:36 PM
Monday, October 12, 2009
I have cramps and I feel sick.However, I went to Fright Fest last night! It was pretty great. But It was also extremely cold, which is probably why I feel like crap.
Also, I want to dfajsfhgbtuyegwufnb. Yeah, I can't actually say what I want to do. It'll mess it all up. But, I do. And first I need a job.
I NEED A JOB.
I'm so broke. So is my family.
We have no money anymore, but we're living like we still do. Which is very, very stupid.
I'm scared.
Posted by Alex at 10:53 AM
Monday, October 5, 2009
Oh. Awesome. He's taken as of five days ago. I don't know why the hell I got my hopes up.I'm crying. A lot. I can't remember the last time I cried. I cannot stop. I want to cut myself and get high and shut up the voices inside my head. Here's one reason why:
"ok so ya i know like we dont talk anymore, but i thought you would find this... interesting?.. ok well you know how i'm all like anti-cutting... ya... i just cut a smiley in my thigh."
Dakota sent me that. He's been doing stuff like that all the time lately, and blaming me for his cutting. And I know he's just trying to get to me, but I feel absolutely shitty anyways.
And Gabby just stopped by, and she's such a good friend.... I'm such a horrible friend.
But you're jsut fucking crazy Alex, of course you're repetitive in your complaints like the rest your friends. They're still sensetive to you though and you just like to build up those fucking brick walls.
God you'recrazycrazycrazyyou'recrazy. These voices won't fucking shut up! I want to sleep or OD or die something, just so I can stop feeling. I fucking hate feeling.
Posted by Alex at 5:43 PM
Saturday, October 3, 2009
I'm so young. He's 1096 days older than me... (Long story how I know that.) But, he's just... charming. Loveable. Relatable. Sweet. Funny. Artistic, thoughtful, smart, independent, quirky. I love everything about him. I remember that day at the park; I wanted to sit with him. He looked at me like.. I can't describe it. But I felt like I was being looked at by an amazing person, and it made me nervous. Good nervous. And know that I know all these things about him, all the awful things from his past, I find him even more amazing. I wonder if he opens up to everyone like that. I mean, Savannah and Gabby don't even know how bad he got into drugs... Why would he tell me? Maybe.. Maybe we feel the same. Maybe not. I hope so. And I love my mom for understanding... She gets it. He gets back today, and we're hanging out soon. I'm not sure exactly when; he's been gone for three months, after all, and I'm sure he'll be very busy catching up with everyone. God, I want to love him...In other news, I've gone kind of crazy the past week. I haven't slept much because I've suddenly been hit by this wave of... I don't know what to call it, creativity? I've been practicing guitar so much I have permenant dents in my finger tips and I'm covered in pen, paint, and charcoal from drawing and writing. It's like I have all these crazy voices in my head and I need to get them out. So far, I'm liking the results.