Sunday, May 30, 2010

I've never felt this way about a guy before.
I can only admit it here.
I'm so scared.. yet so happy.
I feel high around him. He's intoxicating. I love the way he smells, the way he looks, the way he acts, the way he speaks.. I can't believe I didn't notice it before.
Honestly.. I can't believe I'm saying this. It sounds so stupid, naive, and immature. But I think I love him. I really do. It's been two fucking days and I think I'm in love him! What the hell has taken over my heart?? This is insanity. But it feels so right.
And I am so scared. I feel like I'm flying with him, but any second he's going to shoot holes in my paper wings and I'll come crashing down. Everyone who knows us keeps telling me things like: "You finally found a keeper, Alex," and, "He's such a great guy," and, "You two are perfect for each other." I'm crazy about him, and apparently he's crazy about me too. But I'm still wary. I can feel his power to hurt me building, and I hate it. But I refuse to let that stop us from getting close. I think I have a really good thing going here. I won't let go of it.

...
I am so happy. (:

Posted by Alex at 8:24 PM

Friday, May 21, 2010

"13 0r 14, maybe a whole box. Last time I took 23."
Last time you almost died.

I don't want to care about him. I want to tell him to go to hell, get out of my life. But I keep letting him back in. Hell, maybe I'm even inviting him in. I don't know. I don't want him to get hurt. I don't want any of us to get hurt.
What made us this way?
How'd we get so fucked up?
What happened? I wish I knew. Not that it would change anything.
I hope he doesn't get hurt. I hope he doesn't get addicted and depressed again. I'd tell him to stop, but..
I don't know what's stopping me.
I don't want him to know that I need him. I don't want him to know that I care.
And I realize that's selfish and horrible.
I guess I'll get over it..
Because I'd much rather him be alive than me be weak.

Posted by Alex at 4:11 PM

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I am so confused. My thoughts are completely chaotic. My emotions go all over the place. There's no controlling it. I don't know what's wrong with me, exactly. It's hard to pin down, because it feels like everything is wrong. At least right now it does. In a half hour I might be giggling hysterically and feeling like all is right with the world. I just know I hate the uncertainty. I don't know when I'm going to go up or down. There's no pattern to it and I feel so out of control.. I hate not having control. And it's causing problems. I have a couple ways to get control. To make my mind shut up. But they're not very.. appropriate. Or safe. Or legal.
I keep hearing stories and I'm wondering how this all happened. Sometimes things feel hopeless. But sometimes they feel amazing. I don't know..

Anyway, here are some things I can smile about:

So, yeah. Yay. (:

Posted by Alex at 5:28 PM

Monday, May 17, 2010

I need a job.
Desperately.
If I'm going to keep this up..

Posted by Alex at 6:54 PM

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Rainbow fish.
There was a little lump of flesh holding a stolen pin wheel, a watermelon lollipop, and an unknown but beautiful and fragrant pink flower. It was wearing mirrored sunglasses and and it smelled of smoke and sweat. It was laughing and playing with the gorgeous, swirling, twirling, cycling lights on the ground. There was mexican chicken music in the background. It was standing on the dark side of a blue-green planet.
It said things to the other things and then there were rainbow fish.
So, so many rainbow fish.

Posted by Alex at 3:53 PM

Thursday, May 13, 2010

So about Gaston.
He texts me when I wake up and doesn't stop texting me until I go to bed. The conversations are repetative and often uncomfortable for me. He calls me babe and cutie and hun. He'll ask me what I'm up to, how my day was, stuff like that. Then he'll tell me he misses me, say he wants to see me, and ask me what I'm doing that weekend. He asks me if I think he's cute, if I miss him, if I want to hang out. No, no, no. I really don't want to talk to him at all. He's a man whore and I'm weak to him. Even though he has a girlfriend, every time we hang out he tries to make out with me. I rarely say no, which I know is horrible, but.. And then he wants to talk. He calls me at night and talks about his problems and gives me a chance to talk about mine. He thinks we know each other so well. I don't know if that's true or not, but I don't want to tell him things. I want him to leave me alone. It's hard to talk to him and I always feel like I'm being used when I'm around him. Also, he asks me if I want to smoke with him and if I can get him weed all the time. He hints at the fact that he wants to have sex again. He used to just flat out talk dirty to me until I confronted him about it (which was extremely difficult). It's hard to type out.. I don't fully understand it. I just wish he would back off.

Posted by Alex at 4:50 AM

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Today:
I went back to civilization. It was wonderful.
I talked to Dylan D. and Dylan A. for the first time in a while.
Trevor refused to look at me.
David (my friend David) was surprisingly sweet.
Drew gave me a huge surprise.
I finally saw Gabby!
I'm back in with the science group.. two days before they leave.
Mary Kate was hilarious.
I didn't feel sick.
I got my bio project done on time.
I found out Gabby broke up with Joe.
I played 21 for the first time with Joanna and lost 19 out of 21 times.
Bill and I became closer and I found out he's actually a junior. So yay, he's not leaving me! :D
Gabby introduced me to her new love interest. He has a bad vibe. I don't like him.
I texted Brooke first.
Gaston, as usual, will not leave me alone.
Tim was not there.
Neither was Deanna.
Chris got a second tea gallon thing and named it something with an R.
I colored a pretty picture.
My mom and I got pedicures together as her mother's day present. It was amazing.
I got a moose tracks ice cream cone... So yummy!
I went for a bike ride with my sister and mom.
Tyler invited me to get pie with him.
Savannah and Kevin were bitches. How surprising.
I learned that angler fish spit out their brains when they die.
I loved Aubrey's dress.
I saw a hippie skirt that I absolutely want at Carsons.
I got homework that I didn't do.
Shea texted me.. (: But I didn't get to see him.
I didn't see Daysie.
I didn't get to swim.
I talked to my mom about how jealous I am of Olivia because she got the good genes.
I spent $55. 47.

Over all, it was a great day.

Posted by Alex at 7:36 PM