Tuesday, July 27, 2010

So today..
I woke up in a fairly good mood. I was in a good mood until about twelve. Then the shit hit the fan and I wanted to curl up and die.
Way back story: One day in early April this year, I was walking at Perry Farm and I was extremely upset. Zack found me and basically, he talked me in to doing things there... Someone called the cops and we were arrested for public indecency. It was horrible and I'm extremely ashamed. I hate talking about it. I never wanted anyone to know. I made Zack swear he wouldn't tell anyone, and he actually seemed genuine when he said he wouldn't. Fucking liar..
More recent back story: Zack he been dating Dakota's ex-girlfriend. They're really close though... They're best friends. He's very protective of her. Apparently, Zack cheated on her.
What Dakota knew: He knew that I'm not a virgin and the number of guys. He didn't know Zack was one of them, or that we got arrested. Also, Dakota hates Zack.
Today: Zack and Dakota were fighting about Dakota's ex, so Zack decided to say, "Yeah, well guess what. I fucked your girlfriend." Then he proceded to tell about how we got arrested and some other nasty details...

Here's what happened when I confronted him:

Me
I don't want to bitch at you, but I would really love to know why you decided it would be alright to do what you did.

Zack
i didnt do anything its nothing but rumors!!

Me
I'm talking about you telling Dakota about what happened between us. That was a horrible experience for me. I was really trusting you not to tell anyone. Why did you?

Zack
he is trying to talk shit saying he fucked my girlfriend before anyone no thats not going to happen so he had to feel the same pain

Me
Yeah, but I didn't. I wasn't involved in the situation at all. You hurt me more than anyone, not that I think you would care.

Zack
yeah im just the worst fucking guy in the world everyone fucking hate me woot woot

Me
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I don't want to upset you. I just.. I don't know. It hurt, you know? I wanted to know why you did it.You don't have to tell me, but I am curious, and I won't tell anyone. Did you cheat on her, honestly?

Zack
no i honestly didnt.

Me
Alright. But please, in the future, can you just keep your mouth shut about me? I've never done anything to you. I would really appreciate it if you'd leave me out of things.

Zack
well ive never done anything to your so called boyfriend so tell him to leave me outta things as well

Me
He thinks you hurt his best friend. Just saying. But okay.

Zack
if i hurt her she wouldnt have been with me the reason me and her are pretty much over is cuz she got arrested when i told her i didnt want her hanging with guys that night and she went ahead went wiith the guys then got arrested

Me
Alright.

I need to get a backbone...
Anyway, Dakota and I talked it over and we actaully ended up having an emotional yet good day together. He wants to beat the shit out of Zack, but he doesn't think any less of me, which is what I was afraid of. The situation still sucks but it's better.. And Dakota and I are much closer now. So, it wasn't all bad.

Posted by Alex at 11:45 PM

Friday, July 16, 2010

Last night, Dakota and I slept together for the first time. Neither of us were expecting it to happen. We went camping with Gabby and Dan. It was a lot of fun. We set the two tents up kind of far apart. When we got tired enough, Gabby and Dan took one tent and Dakota and I took the other. We made out and did other things.. then afterwards we just laid there together. For some reason I started crying. I told him a lot of stuff and he was great about it. He loves when I tell him things, apparently. He comforted me and I felt a lot better. We were just laying there, then, and he was rubbing my stomach, half awake. There was something very sweet and romantic about it. Suddenly, I was just overwhelmed with desire. I needed to be with him, to be a part of him. I knew I was ready. So I turned to him and told him that I wanted him, all of him, and I asked him if he wanted to. He said yes and asked me if I was sure. I told him I was and then... It was amazing. It was so different from how sex usually is for me. I felt safe and comfortable and in control. And the whole time, I felt loved. Not used. Loved. It was so great. He just held me after and told me he loved me. Once we recovered we were fully awake so we went outside and walked around and looked at the stars. It was sweet and not awkward at all. We acted just like we normally act. It was an amazing night.
I must admit, I am a little anxious about two things:
1) We didn't use a condom. I'm on birth control and we know, for a fact, that we're both clean. I don't think I'll get pregnant, but... it's just still a little scary.
2) I was planning on waiting longer than I did. It hasn't even been two months. I'm a little mad at myself for not waiting, but I'm happy with my decision. I'm glad I did it.
I feel a lot closer to him. I'm really content. There's no underlying anxiety about this. I'm just happy.
I love him.

Posted by Alex at 10:40 PM