Tuesday, May 12, 2009

My thoughts are all jumbled...

Today, at the dinner table, my mom randomly started yelling at me about how my grades suck and if I don't get at least a B average next year, there will be "serious consequences". I know that right now, my grades are way below what I'm capable of. I also realize that maintaining a B average would be a piece of cake (sorry for the cliche). I just can't stop despising school. It makes me anxious and I get headaches when I'm there. I never get headaches. And when I go to do homework, I get easily distracted and I feel really tense. I don't even know what I hate about school.... Maybe it's the feeling of being controlled. Teachers telling what to do all the day, having to go by their schedules. I know I have issues with being controlled. I freak out. I can't stand it. I don't even know why. God. I have so many weird habits and behaviors and phobias engraved in my mind. I don't know where they came from. Lie; I do. But I'm not willing to admit that.

Anyways, I hung out with Dakota. We walked to the gas station with three other boys. Max, the kid who was supposed to fight today, used the five finger discount to get a can of Nos and some crackers. Then we went to one of the boy's house, where the fight was supposed to be. The kid who was supposed to fight Max did not show. We all sat around there for a while. The three other boys told Dakota and me to go have sex in the bedroom. We didn't. Then we walked to C.R. because Max wanted to see if he could get any weed for two bucks. He couldn't. Dakota and I ended up walking back to my house and I made chocolate milkshakes and popcorn. Then he had to go to baseball practice. I've basically just been doing homework since. I'm bored and I have a bunch of random thoughts going through my mind. I'd really just love to leave this town with a couple of my friends for awhile. Go out to the condo, not worry about anything, have lazy, sunny days and crazy, unforgettable nights.

I wish I had a best friend who wasn't going to end up controlling me. Fucking Sara. She screwed me up so badly. Stupid Sara's dad... $%#@! If he was even the one who did it..

This is a messed up place to be. There's a lot of good, and a lot of bad. I don't know what to make of it. Sorry, for ranting once again....

Posted by Alex at 6:57 PM