Wednesday, May 20, 2009
This one is going to be long
On tuesday, Dakota and I hung out after school. He couldn't find a ride home until like four thirty, and I needed help in math, so we went back to my house. We were up in my room factoring trinomials when we got.. "distracted". Anyways, he's amazed me once again. I am so used to guys threatening me, sweet-talking me, blackmailing me, or just plain forcing me to have sex that after everything that's happened, I just don't care. They can do whatever they want with me. But Dakota doesn't do that to me. We've been dating for over a month and I haven't done anything with him really, except for kiss. (All of that sounds really whore-ish, and it is. I'm a fucking whore, I know.) And Tuesday, we started to go farther and he stopped me. He said he wanted to take things slow with me. According to him, I looked at him like "he'd just told me his mother was a goat". Honestly, his morals and the way he treats me are really foreign. It sometimes makes me anxious because I'm so out of my element. I don't know. He's just... nice. And it's weird. To me.
Also Tuesday, I finally got to see Kyrstin in person. :D Yay! And I got to see Tommy for the first time in forever. I had fun, but then I had to go home early. Bleh. Oh well. We were shooting at Perry Farm. The pictures turned out cool, I think. =]
Tuesday, again, my parents got into a fight. They were yelling really loudly. As usual, I grabbed my sister and we retreated to my room. I put on loud music so she couldn't hear and gave her all my art supplies to draw with. They were fighting about money. I remember when I was little and I would hear them fight about it, it would terrify me. I thought we were going to lose our house and everything we owned. I actually went through a period were I refused to eat because I thought that we could save money on food that way. I would hate for that to happen to Olivia. When my mom started yelling at my dad about how they're never there for each other and how she should just take me and my sister and leave, I got furious. She was hurting him. She was hurting my sister. I know she has to get her emotions out, but.. That just really upset me. I kind of wonder if it's my fault. She's been talking like that a lot since November. I contacted my real dad in October. They email or talk on the phone
every single day. I get a short email from him once a month, if I'm lucky. If I split my sister's family up, I will hate myself forever. I love her so much and I never want to hurt her...
And tonight I realized that after five months of sobriety, they've both started drinking again. I hate it when my parents are drunk. They both have alcoholism in their families, too. My mom gets really loud and annoying and has a "fuck everything" attitude when drunk, while my dad likes everyone but me. He alwasys picks on me when he's drunk. I was actually quite relieved when they stopped drinking because their attitudes were better and, as bad as this may sound, there was no more alcohol in the house to tempt me.
I had a long talk with my dad tonight. It was sort of nice. It all started with how I don't like Romeo and Juliet. Then we started talking about love. I don't believe in love at first sight, he does. Then we were talking about sex and he said that I should save myself for the perfect person, my "true love", because then it'll be more special. If only he knew. I almost cried at the fact that this sweet conversation was all a waste of breath. Then he apologized for fighting with my mom last night. I said it was okay, it happens. Then he started saying how he keeps asking God if He loves him. I said of course he does. My dad said he knew that, but that it was hard to believe sometimes. He said he and my mom were tortured souls, and that's why they were together. I knowthey both are. David lost both of his parents at 17 and had a very rought life. My mom took care of five younger brothers and sisters, got raped, lived in poverty, did drugs, and had many abusive relationships before she got pregnant with me and finally turned her life around. He then said that I was lucky because nothing bad has ever happened to me. That was one of the few times I ever wish I talked to my parents about my life. If they only knew... Whatever.
On a lighter note, we got our Explore tests back today, which is an aptitude test along with an assesment on english, math, and science skills. My composite score was a 22 out of 25. I scored at 98% out of my class. There are about 100 kids in the freshman class. Yay! I feel smart. I really need to work on the math department, though. I hate it so much... Gah. I just have to try. Also, for career choices, the thing said I should be a photographer, an artist, an interior designer, or some scientific stuff I didn't pay attention to. It's odd, because I want to become a writer. They said that requires more people skills though. I don't know how. 0_o
Posted by Alex at 7:58 PM