Friday, June 5, 2009
I am a very, very sick person. Tonight was one of the worst nights of my life. I woke up a little bit ago at my toliet, gagging myself with a tooth brush to make myself throw up the empty carton of cookies next to me. There was also a bottle of pain killers next to me, but I don't think I took them. I was shaking like hell. I couldn't stop. And I kept, like, screaming silently. Then I noticed there was blood everywhere and I got really, really scrared. Scared beyond belief. I thought I'd cut myself again, which is currently the number one thing I don't wnat to do right now. But, thank god, I realized I'd only started my period.
The worst part, however, was the dream itself. I was so, so, so cold. I can't even explain it. I've never gone through drug withdrawls, but I imagine what I just went through is similar. I really do get too sucked into books. I was hallucinating like i was on acidd, adn then I was wandering the streets of some dingy town. (I just read Go Ask Alice today). But then something worse happened. I was semiawake... I don't want to talk about this because it makes me sound completely crazy but I only know of two people who read my blog anyway and I already called them for support. As expected, no one answered. Because it's two in the fucking morning. So.. Here's what happened. I don't know how to explain. It's like, I was in this parking lot surrounded by trees. It looked a lot like perry farm. Only I knew it was someplace in my head. And then I saw two people in front of me, but they were me. Only one was a boy and one was a girl. Their names were Mike and Desiree. The were fighting for control over me. Like, me who I am, my brain, my personality. They wanted me to go to sleep and let them become me. I started crying and shaking and babbling nonsense and then I sat up and they were next to me by the toliet. Desiree was telling me to just let her take over and everything would be fine. Mike was whispering horrible things somewhere far away. I wanted to let her take control, because I was so cold, but something made me stop. I don't know what it was but suddenly I was wide awake and sobbing nad shaking and I started calling people. But I can still see Desiree and Mike and I'm god damn mother fucking crazy and I don't know what to do.
Posted by Alex at 12:19 AM