Saturday, June 20, 2009

I feel dead.

Apparently I'm pretty. Pretty enough to be a slut, anyway. Only I'm getting fat. I have weird eating habits. I'll go an entire day, or even several days, and eat nothing. And some days I binge myself into oblivion. I've been bulimic. I hate my body.

Sex is so much easier than relationships. I hate relationships. I hate romance. I don't think love, or romantic love anyways, is real. No way. Dakota's just fucking psychotic. "When we move in together...." Yeah, no. Screw that. But I don't want to hurt him.

God dammit what the hell is wrong with me? He texts me, more romantic bullshit, and I grin. I fucking smile at it! The logical, the hormonal, and the retarded loving part of my brain are having a war and it's hard to tell who's winning.

And I keep spoon feeding him lies. I'm a fatass lying fucked up whore.

I wish my mom was here.

Aubrey's engaged . She's 15. I want to strangle her but that would be inappropriate. I'm supposed to be all supportive, "yay-you're-getting-married-oh-my-god-its-so-romantic-yay-I-get-to-be-your-maid-of-honor-oh-yeah-your-dad-is-so-wrong-to-say-that-you're-to-young-blah-blah-blah". I'm sad. They don't even have a good relationship. And I don't want to see Aubrey or Logan get hurt.

Father's Day is tomorrow. I'm supposed to appreciate my dad. But he's currently being drunk and obnoxious. He's been getting drunk every single night for the past three weeks after five months of sobriety. I hate vodka yet at the same time I love it more than anything. I know it's happening but I won't admit it out loud.

I'm becoming an alcoholic.

Stephanie was right. I am just like her. Exactly. Two alcoholic whores, both had to grow up too quickly. We could be twins.

I'm too self-pitying.

A little E right now would be awesome. Downers are fucking evil. I have a dealer's number in my phone. I could call him, and he'd meet me at the park right now. I'd pay him and or maybe we'd go for a little trip together. Oh, I'm so tempted. But I won't. For Tyler. We've been getting close again and I don't want to ruin that.

I just thought of Dakota. I do love him. He's just been gone for a while and I don't do long distance well.

I found two baby bunnies that my cat tortured. I was taking care of them. My dad made me put them back. Poor bunnies. I'm sure they're dead. Their eyes were still closed and their umbilical cords were still attached.

I'm so fat. I should start running again. And cut back on binging days. Or try.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep. I can't control my emotions. I was so happy earlier today with Gabby when we were swimming. Now I want David to storm in my room and punch me in the face so I can run away and start my existence over.

I'm going to draw.

I went swimming today. I got really tan. I hate my tan lines.

I don't even remember typing that. ^^^ My brain is getting really messed up.

I have to go to church and clean the house tomorrow. I might go to the pit monday. I really hope I can. And I hope Dakota can come. I miss my mom.

I'm going swimming. No. I meant to type walking. I'm going for a god damn walk. Fuck.

Posted by Alex at 9:35 PM