Wednesday, June 24, 2009
I know I've been complaining a lot lately, but everything is just kind of suckish. David is KILLING me. I feel like a prisoner, literally. I'm not allowed to go to other people's houses, and if someone comes over they have to be gone by 7. And if he's home, he doesn't want anyone in the house. He wants to "spend time with me". But I just sit up in my room while he drinks and reads and my sister does whatever she wants to do. I have to babysit her every single day, and I'm not getting payed. If I ask to go anywhere I get yelled at. The only place he's let me go is to the park with Tyler and swimming with Savannah. The fact that he let me do either of those was surprising. But he only let me stay until 4 each time, so that I would be home in plenty of time to take care of Olivia after she got back from her day camp, which is on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Fridays. Thank god my mom is coming home tomorrow.
I just feel pathetic. I hate this control. I have issues with authority. I need the freedom to do what I want or I go crazy. And I know they're trying to be good parents, but I'm too far gone to accept their help. I've been surviving basically on my own since I was 7, although they don't know that.
And I'm being a bit unfair. My parents let me dress the way I want, be who I am, take the classes I want in school, choose my own career. They're good parents. We just have this huge wall between us that makes communication impossible. I don't even feel like a part of this family, and they're trying to jam me in. It makes me want to run away. They want their little girl back, but she was buried long ago.
And I'm taking out my frustrations on Olivia, which I don't want to do. I need to be supportive of her and love her. I can already see myself in her, and that terrifies me. What if she turns out the way I have? I know I'm just begining my life, but I've gotten off to a rough start. I don't want that to happen to her.
I don't know about anything. I going to finish this art project with Olivia, do the dishes, practice guitar, and then start packing for the Bahamas.
Posted by Alex at 8:18 AM