Tuesday, August 18, 2009
I love Tyler. I would love for him to be mine and me to be his.
But he would never understand "it". Actually, he probably would. But it scares the shit out of me to even consider telling him. It was the worst thing that's ever happened to me and I would love to just deny that I'm scarred by it, but that's not possible. Sex is normal. It is. But it got so distorted for me; I don't know what to think.
I don't know what it's like to look at him after and feel loved. I don't know what it's like to have the bravery to say "stop". I don't know what it's like to be okay just laying there, or to not cry after, or to not hate every second of it. I don't know what it's like to feel pleasure or to feel close to someone. I just feel used, dirty, miserable, numb. Part of me knows I'm crazy, but I still feel like it's just the price I have to pay.
How could they say that to me? I was
eight. They taught me everything, and everything they taught was twisted. It wasn't fair, the way I learned. But life's not fair.
I cannot be with Tyler. Relationships involve sex and I can't tell him my feelings on that. And it wouldn't be fair to him.
I guess "they" were right...
Posted by Alex at 7:17 PM