Wednesday, September 30, 2009
When I get upset, this is how I feel: There is a crowd of screaming people, a riot, rushing through my veins. They gather in my wrists and pulse there and they refuse to shut up. And I want to cut them out. Oh, god, I want to just tear my skin off. It feels filthy. When I'm upset, I don't want to eat. I don't deserve to eat. I feel ugly. Stupid. But most of all, worthless.
Today has been a bad day. Not bad in the sense that bad things happened... More so, I just feel like crap. And then things kept piling up. But the things that keep floating back into my mind.. it makes me feel like poison is being shot through my veins. He was holding hands with her, and kissing her gently, and I was thinking back to New Years... And it's just not right. I've seen them together before, but today it just seemed especially bad. I hate myself for the fact that I looked at her body, and I saw it was fat. And I was happy about it. I hate that I made myself throw up because I want to stay thinner than her, because that's one thing I have on her. I wonder if she was ever a whore. I wonder if she ever did the things I did. I wonder if he loves her, and what makes her so different.
And I have no one to talk to. I know, right, what's new, Alex? You always say that... Stupid closed-off bitch.
And my parents are always saying how lucky I am to have parents I can talk to. Yeah fucking right. Everytime they say that my mind screams, You let me get fucking raped and molested! Numerous times! How the fuck are you good parents?
But I know I'm wrong.
Posted by Alex at 6:41 PM