Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I had my first panic attack in several years today. Why? Because my family is moving to Scotland. I was happy when I found that part out. Ecstatic. But then I found out it won't be for several years... Not until after I graduate. And that's when I freaked out. I've been suppressing it, but I'm going fucking insane here.
Yeah, see, you would think that moving to a different country would make me depressed. But it's the exact opposite. I hatehatehate staying in one place for too long. I've been to four different schools in two and a half years. And I'm still going crazy. It's like a disease I have; my mom and my uncle and my cousin and my grandma and a few other people I'm related to have it, too. It's horrible. Staying in one place is just hell. I feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. The absolutely only thing I would miss would be my friends, obviously. Other than that, nothing. I want to leave. And my parents are saying we probably will... But not for several years. Not until after I graduate. Which means I'll be out of the house anyways. And I don't know if I can stand three more fucking years. And even then, I won't have money to travel. I feel like I'm going to be stuck here forever and I'm fucking freaking out. I hate it here, I hate it! And I know that if I move, it'll be better for a while... Then I'll have to move again. But I'm okay with that. I like that.
I want to go to Scotland. I want to meet new people, go new places, leave this fucking bullshit town behind. I hate driving past Zack's house and thinking about what I did. I hate seeing him and him and him in the halls and feeling shame. I hate seeing that people who used to be my best friends have turned into complete strangers. And I hate never discovering anything new anymore.
I have to get out of here. I fucking have to.

Oh, also this "disease" scares the shit out of me... What's going to happen in college, after a year? Will I be crawling out of my skin like I am now and want to leave? I'll have to pick a college with a study abroad program... Just a thought.

Posted by Alex at 6:36 PM