Saturday, October 17, 2009

So this really sweet guy who I actually kinda like asks me to go to a movie with him and a couple other people. I want to go, but I say no because that would imply that I like him which would imply a future relationship which would imply, eventually, sex and sexual activities. Which scare the shit out of me in a relationship.

I just do not understand how sex and love fit together, ever. I mean, I guess I know it happens... But I don't see how. It just doesn't make sense to me. I can't figure out how to make that work. And that's really frustrating.

Those god damn people.. They ruined an entire aspect of my life. I can't even go on a simple date with out freaking out.

I've been to enough doctors to know why I'm crazy like this, but no one can give me any way to fix it. They tell me I need to identify what caused these emotions; uh, I already have. Now what? "Come to terms with what happened." Done. Still don't feel any better. Now what? And from there it can take any number of directions, but nothing works!

I hate this. I hate them.

And I'm trying to love myself and let myself be loved. But that's a lot harded than it sounds. Aubrey proved it; I thought I was improving. A lot. But either I haven't at all or I have a much longer way to go than I originally thought.