Monday, November 30, 2009
We broke up.
I... I'm not upset about that, really. We never saw each other and it's for the best. But.. He treated me better than anyone. And I told him about the thing. The thing! Jesus... I can't believe how quickly I trusted him.
God now I'm crying. I wasn't upset earlier, at all. Why am I getting upset? There is no reason for it. Stupid slut.
Fuck. I realize that I rant too much on this blog, all about depressing things and how much my life sucks. I'm sorry. Life is really not too bad for me. I'm just hurt at the moment. I feel like an outsider everywhere I go. I want to do all these horrible things to myself all the time. I'm such a masochist. And... He made me feel better. I didn't love him. But being with him at least made me feel worth something. I was pretty around him. I could be the girl in the relationship for once... I didn't have to take care of him. He took care of me. I told him the thing! God fucking damn it!
I want to know what it feels like to love someone and to be loved back. He made me feel worth something and now that worth is gone along with him.
I realize that I have to love myself before I can love or be loved by anyone else... But that is so, so difficult.
On a different note, can't she fucking realize how much I hatehatehate being touched?
I feel miserable. I shouldn't. Is anyone else as disgusted by the typicality of their emotions like I am? I want to be numb. I want to be indifferent.
I hate this.
Posted by Alex at 4:19 PM